J&K's XMen Movie Parody
by DarkHorse1
Summary: Are you serious? This is still breathing? Snap. We're still on the first movie, so don't get all excited. Shtuff continues to go downhill at an alarming rate. Directly to the gutter, do not pass go, and do not collect two hundred dollars
1. Chapter 1

We've both seen the movie (several times, Jenny 9 times) and loved it. We just think it needs some spicing up. Hehe. We don't own any of these characters; we're just borrowing them for our own sick amusement.  
  
Ahem.

It was an ol' smelly day. The nazis pokeled and prodded their new found Jewish friends and they went to play hopscotch and jump rope. One young boy stood out. He was really gay. His name was Eric. He was all dirty and full of fleas. Not even the acid rain falling from the sky could wash him clean.

"I'm gay!" he declared, and with a mighty blast of gay, he broke down a metal Hitler statue.

"Teehee," laughed the Nazis and tickled him with feathers.

LOCATION: TRAILER TRASH USA

Marie was trying to score with her boyfriend. "I'm going to Alaska, then Asia, then Milwaukee. Someday." Then she kissed and drained him dry. "Damn, I knew they didn't last long, but this is rigoddamdiculous." Marie's now prunified boyfriend came stumbling towards her. "Ahhhh! Eweweweee! MOM DAD, he's trying to prunify me! Help!!" she screamed, squeakily. Marie's mom came pounding up the stairs after she  
was rudely interrupted from playing her drums.

"Hooker," her mom bitched. "What the hell, Cletus you're all prunie. Marie, you're a mutie!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Marie all retarded, again. "Stay away from me!" she bellowed, like she had Mad cow disease. She huddled in the corner and screamed some more.  
  
LOCATION: WASHINGTON DC  
  
A hookerish looking woman was preaching to a room full of people and boring the lot of 'em. Her name was Jean Havesexwithmenow Grey. Mr. Clean, aka Charles Xavier, was watching from above in his high-powered turbo wheelie chair. "Blah blah blah," said Jean, "Mutants don't mean us any harm blah blah blah."

Senator Kelly stood up. "Jean Gray," he announced, "Is nothing but a two timing gutter sluttish whore. This proves why mutants are evil and need to be enslaved by mankind. Three words, Grey is whore!" The audience applauded feverishly. Senator Kelly bowed and pranced back to his throne. Xavier looked pissed. Jean Gray was a hooker, he realized. Holy sheeit.

He rolled away, only to be interrupted by a gay man playing hopscotch. "Eric," he said, "Are you still gay?"

"Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?" Eric replied. "I see you are still trying to be friendly with the humans. When  
will you learn that humans are evil and only make you become gay like me?"

Xavier looked at Eric hard. It looked like he was trying to take a poop.

"Why are you wheeling around in my head, baldy? Get yo' ghetto ass outta there!" "I'm lookin' fo' yo' mama. I mean, hope." Eric turned and floated away all gayish like. Xavier continued on his way, rolling out of the building until he fell on his side. "Eeeee, eeee, Eaai," he screamed. Jean Grey kicked him in the side as she walked sluttily by.  
  
LOCATION: SOMEWHERE IN CANADA, EH?  
  
Marie was awakened by a horny truck driver "Hehe," giggled the perverted driver, "This is your stop purty. Now you gotta pay the toll. I needs a woman right now." He tried to grab Marie's leg but she drained his ass too. "UUUGHHHHH," said the driver, as he collapsed. Marie took off toward a crowded run-down bar. Inside it was all smokey and nasty. Marie coughed and hacked a giant glob of phlegm on the bar counter. In a room opposite the bar she noticed some men getting their beaten asses dragged away. It was a fighting cage. Inside was the sexiest man on the planet. Marie was drooling. In the crowd two other girls were cheering the handsome man on. They were the authors of this story. Jenny and Kelly.

"Beat his ass you delicious hunk of man beef," yelled Jenny.

Kelly was stuffing dollars bills into the man's jeans. "Wolverine is hot," said Kelly, "Cuz damn."

Marie pushed past all the smelly men to get a better view. Wolverine was kicking the sheeit outta this wimpy ass guy named Egon. Egons glasses flew across the room and hit Marie dead in the face. The glasses were so thick, that they knocked her the fuck out. Jenny and Kelly paid no heed to the incident; they were too busy watching the sexy man dance for them. "Can I give you ladies a lap dance?" he asked. At Jenny and Kelly's delighted nods, Hugh, I mean, Logan, grabbed the waistband of his form-fitting jeans and pulled them the hell off. He was wearing leopard print bikini underwear.

"Oh hell no!" Jenny and Kelly screamed in unison.

"Which one of you wants to go first?" Logan asked.

Jenny and Kelly looked at each other. "Siddown, beeyatch!" Jenny roared, and pushed Kelly off the chair. She patted her lap. "Oooo, you're so queet. C'mon, big boy, sit here, on mama Jenny's lap." Logan sat down, only to be grabbed around the waist and wrestled to the floor by Kelly. He was now laying on top of her. Kelly laughed evilly at Jenny, who looked like she wanted to bust out some tinfoil and make claws of her own. Just then, Marie regained consciousness. She looked at the sight before her and got jealous. Jenny and Kelly ignored Logan's protests for them to stop fighting over little ol' him.

"Little, my ass," Kelly muttered, and sent Jenny head first into the fence/cage. She turned back to Logan, only to see Marie was hanging all over him, and Logan with a protective arm around her shoulders. Kelly walked calmly back to where Jenny lay, and shook her awake. "Check this shit out. Whaddya say we mollywhop that little ho?"

"I'm with that. Who does this 14 year old ho think she is anyways?" Jenny asked "I mean, she doesn't even know Wolvie and here she is feeling on him!" Kelly didn't even answer Jenny's question. She pounced on Marie's back and started pounding on her. Jenny joined in on the fun. She broke 12 empty beer bottles over the young whore's head. Then she broke a full one. While the three were brawling, that sexy man Logan escaped. Jenny and Kelly didn't even notice. They continued to bash Marie really good. "No good whore!" yelled Jenny the Mighty as she transformed into Sailor Jenny, "I'm Sailor Jenny, enemy of all mansnatchin' whores.... in the name of Wolverine/Hugh, I will punish you!" Sailor Jenny bopped Marie on the head with her Wolverine Scepter of Coolness. 

"Ow!" moaned Marie, "That really hurt!"

Kelly somehow found a really long trenchcoat. She came up behind the stunned Marie. Marie didn't know that Kelly was also a Highlander! "There can be only two"said Kelly while revealing her sword of goodness, "wolverine fans in this bar. Prepare to die!" Marie took off. She ran from the bar like Jenny's brother did from water. Well, Jenny and Kelly were sort of tired fromall the exercise so they had a few sodas and created a plan to find that God of Gods, Logan/Hughie.

Meanwhile, Logan was in his truck on his way to where ever when he smelled something...fishy. And it also had a peculiar beer odor. He smelled his pits. No, they weren't meaty. He followed his super-sensitive nose to the back of his truck (which had miraculously stopped without him touching the brake), where he found the girl from the bar.

"What the fuck are you doing in there, hooker. Git out!" He picked her up and flung her 30 feet from his truck. He then drove away. But, being as warm and caring and sensitive and loving and thoughtful and helpful as our God...ahem...Logan is, he went back and put the girl in his truck. Just as he pulled away, Jenny and Kelly appeared on the scene. Kelly just pointed at the truck with her mouth open, and Jenny took matters into her own hands. "LOGAN MAGNET ACTIVATE!" Out pops this huge horseshoe shaped magnet. The truck came flying back and Kelly snatched Logan out of the drivers seat and proceeded to strip him to his leopard print bikinis. Jenny, meanwhile, had used the magnet to smack Marie with. Then Jenny strapped Marie down and helped Kelly with Logan. All of a sudden, a big hairy man appeared and ran at the two girls, who were arguing over who would get to see Logan's manhood first.

"Mine, dammit, I saw him first!"

"Nonononono I'm not gettin stuck with sloppy seconds!" Kelly looked up and saw the Wookie towering over them. "Fuck this bullshit, ain't no man worth gettin mauled by that!" I...she said, pointing.

Jenny followed Kelly's point and said...  
  
End part 1 


	2. Chapter 2

This is part 2 of our glorious fanfic. Once again, we don't own these characters.blah blah blah...yakkity smackkity.  
  
And on wth the show....  
  
"Damn, it's Chewbacca!"  
  
"Shut up Jenny!" yelled Kelly while she dragged Jenny away from the yeti. The evil wookie smacked Logan really hard and he flew back and snapped three trees in half. Jenny and Kelly cheered Logan on from a good distance away. Marie lay like a slug in Logan's make-out vehicle. She decided that she was cold so the dumb whore started a fire. Logan's shaggin' wagon bust out into flamage and Marie acted all wimpy and started to scream for help.  
  
"She should just inhale the smoke and take it like the shim she is." said Jenny. Kelly started to dance around like the crack smoker that she was. The two beautiful girls stood by helpless as the sasquatch beat the living crap outta poor sexy Wolvie. Logan let loose his claws and then Jenny and Kelly really went nuts. "He can stab me to death anytime." said Kelly all dreamily.  
  
"Yeah," replied Jenny, also dreamily. Suddenly it got all windy and shit. Two figures appeared.  
  
"It's Obi-Wan coming to take me away!" exclaimed Kelly joyously.  
  
"No way!" replied Jenny. "It's a possessed girl and a scary guy with red blue blockers on!" Well, the taller very unsexy oogly man shot red beams out of his eyes and the girl with the white eyes started to make it snow. The red beams caught that Bumble in the stomach and he went flying like a Magneto wannabe. They pulled that hooker Marie out of the flaming truck just before it blowed up reeeeeeeeeeeeeal good. "Awwwwww!!" moaned Jenny angrily, "I wanted to see her burn!"  
  
"Yeah!" agreed Kelly, "Like a marshmallow!" The two odd people took Jenny and Kelly's Logan and that hookerface Marie with them. The girlsplotted their next molestation on Logan. DA DA DA!!!!  
  
Meanwhile at gay Eric/Magneto's base..  
  
"Weren't you supposed to bring someone back with you?" Toad asked, looking up from the giant penis he was spray painting gold. ::Ahhhhh,:: he thought, ::This is going to be one big Golden Rocket::  
  
  
  
"Mutha fucka, are you out you're damn mind?" Sabertooth said. "Blehleh!" and then walked the fuck out. He walked to Mag-gayto's office o' Gay.  
  
  
  
"What happened?" Magayto asked.  
  
  
  
Sabertooth looked at him all crazy, cuz he was wearing pink lingerie. He could hardly tear his eyes away from his master's sexy, muscular, Gillette smooth legs.  
  
  
  
"They knew, blehleh."  
  
  
  
"I have made the first move, that's all they know." Magayto uncrossed his legs and let it all hang out. His shit fell on the floor.  
  
  
  
Sabertooth almost creamed his jeans, while at the same time singing "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer wienerblehlehogarth."  
  
  
  
Magayto looked at him all gay-like, and floated the hell outta the room.  
  
  
  
Sabertooth looked down at Wolverine's dog tag on the metal table. It was encrusted with white filth. Sabertooth decided he didn't want to know.  
  
  
  
::"Move the hell over," Jenny said to Kelly as they were typing this.::  
  
  
  
Location: A random hospital-like room  
  
  
  
The sexiest man in the universe, Logan, lay unconscious.....and shirtless on a metal table. Footsteps approached. They sounded like whore brand high heels. They were. They belonged to none other than Jean Havesexwithmenow Grey. She started feeling Logan up and touching him like a professional hooker would. Jenny and Kelly had somehow gotten into the place and were crouched under a metal wheelie bed.  
  
"Oh hell nawwwwww," whispered Kelly angrily, "That whore is feeling on my man and doing a pretty piss poor job of it!!"  
  
Jenny looked pissed. "Whadaya mean 'your man' ya dumb ass-snorting beeeeyyyyyatch?!"  
  
Kelly and Jenny started to bitchslap each other and poke each other with various medical appliances. "Take that!"  
  
"Taste this syringe ya penis nibbler!!"  
  
While the two were fighting Logan woke up and started to choke Jean. He was throttling her dumbass!  
  
Kelly and Jenny started to cheer him on, when Logan suddenly stopped. He saw the beautiful Jenny and madly fell in love with her. "Oh my love," he swooned," I love you!!" Jenny started to move forward into his open arms when Kelly the Evil tripped her the hell over.  
  
"Bitch," screamed Jenny while rolling on the floor. Kelly started to grab at the shirtless Logan's biceps and nipplies. "Hey, what do you think you're doing, Bub?" Logan asked the still fondling Kelly. Jenny got up and tied Logan up with an IV tube.  
  
"We got him," she sang happily while dancing around the room. Logan unsheathed his claws, which drove Kelly and Jenny wild, and cut the tubes. He ran away down the hall, his chest bouncing with every step. He ran into a corner where he found a sweatshirt. As he pulled it over his head, he thought he heard a girl yell, "Nooooooo!" He kept walking anyways.  
  
He ran down the hall some more, skin glowing (what you could see of it anyway, since he put that damn shirt on. Bastard directors.) He ran into a random room and hid. When he turned around, he saw an old bald guy sitting in a chair, talking to a bunch of brats.  
  
"Logan. Hello. Would you like some breakfast?" Baldy asked.  
  
"Heeell mutha fucking naw! I wanna know where the fuck I am first!" Logan yelled.  
  
"Rioght," he said, Dr. Evil-ish. "Welcome to my underground volcano lair. Ahem, I mean, my school for the gifted."  
  
At that moment, a tall black girl with white hair strolled in like she owned the damn place. A tall oogly gay man wearing red Blu-Blockers followed her. He had a mad unibrow, too.  
  
"What's all this shit about?" Logan asked perplexedly.  
  
"This is Ororo Munroe, also called Storm. And Scott Sommers, also called Cyclops. They saved your life," Baldy said.  
  
Logan raised an eyebrow in that sexy way he has. He looked at Storm. "Storm, right?" he asked, making that click-clacky noise. "So, what do they call you? Wheels?"  
  
(authors's note: Jenny and Kelly were laughing their asses off at this point.)  
  
"Yo mama," said Baldy to Logan.  
  
Logan moved towards the door but ole Clopster was in the damn way. "Hey Unieye," Logan said while poking Clops roughly on his narrow underfed chest," Wanna get outta my way?" Logan's face was all scary and twisted.  
  
Baldy piped in from behind Logan. "It's been 15 years of running," started Baldy," Running from the repo men. Not knowing where or how they could find you. They want that pinball machine that you never paid for. Why don't you just give them the fity bucks?"  
  
  
  
"How do you know," asked Logan, totally mystified. "You're the not only one with powers," said Baldy psychically, while chanting," Pinball machine, repo men, pinball machine, repo men." "What is this place you whacked out mutha fucker," Logan asked, while doing that weird quirky thing with his mouth. "Yo mama's house ya bitch azzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz nigga," replied the Great Baldini," I mean, my school for gifted freaks, I mean mutants."  
  
The scene shifted from Baldy to a bunch of random naked kids having a maaaaaaaad orgy. Logan's voice piped in, "Ummm, no."  
  
(Okay, so they weren't naked and they weren't having an orgy. They were playing B-ball. Pretty damn close if you ask me.)  
  
Another random kid ran across water. A random horse that has absolutely no relevance to the story whatsoever blew a mighty horse rip. Fffffffftttttttt. Random pieces of shit rained down everywhere. Logan picked Baldy's wheel chair and held it over his head like an umbrella.  
  
"Poop's on you!" he shouted, giggling like a child.  
  
  
  
(Rioght. Back to the story)  
  
  
  
"The school is just a cover for something more," Baldy said, "The lower levels are an entirely different story."  
  
Logan thought the X-Jet was pretty pimplicious, and the street walkers were hot. It was like Vegas down there. Slot machines at every corner, as far as the eye could see. Dancers were everywhere, with very few clothes on. Jenny and Kelly happened to be two of them.  
  
"Can we give you a lap dance?" the two said in unison.  
  
"Heeeeell yeeah!" Baldy said.  
  
"Not you, mother fucker," and since we couldn't make him siddown, we pushed him the hell down the hall, where he fell off the edge. (This is actually true. Patrick Stewart DID actually almost fall off the hall in Cerebro.) His screams echoed all the way down, then there was a THUD as he hit the floor. The clang of metal on baldness could be heard throughout the country.  
  
"LOOOGAAANNNN!!" yelled Baldy, from the bottom of Cereblo, "IIFFF YOOUUU HELLLPPP USSS, WEEE WILLLLL HEELLLLPPP YOUUU DISCOVERRR YOURRR PASSSTTTT LIIIIIFFFE!"  
  
"Okay," Logan said, shrugging.  
  
"WWHHHHAAAATTT? YOUUU HAAAVVE TOOO SPEEEAKK UPPPP!" echoed Baldy's voice from below.  
  
"I SAID OKAY, GODDAMMIT!" yelled Logan.  
  
"OOOOOOOOOKAAAAAAYYYY. CAAAANNN YOUUUU HEELLLLPPP MEEEE? II"VEEE FALLLLENNN DOOWWWNN THHHE WEELLLLL! THIIISS ISSS WHEEERRE JEEEEEEEEANN THRRRROOWWS HEEEEEEERRR OOLLLDDD USSEDDDD TAAMMMMPONNNS. IT'SSSS REEEAAALLLY GROOOSSS." replied Baldy.  
  
Logan rolled his beautiful eyes and walked the fuck out.  
  
"LLLOOOOOOGGGGGAAAANNNNNN!" he continued," SSSMMMMMEEEEELLLLL BBBBBBBBAAAAAAAAADDDDDDD!!!!"  
  
~End Part 2 


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3 of our lovely story.... cuz damn! We don't own Hughie or any of the other actors, we're just borrowing them, so don't get any foolish ideas in your pea brains about suing us. All that you'd get outta me is a pile of carebears anyways. Enjoy...  
  
  
  
LOCATION: A CROWDED AIRPORT  
  
  
  
Remember Senator Kelly? That prancing fool with the face like a Jane Goodall chimp? Well, he was walking through a crowded airport, stark naked. Around him clowns were petitioning about the recent make-up tax hike. A random spectator grabbed the Senator and glued a red wig on his head and smeared white make-up all over his face.  
  
"Hahahahhahaha," laughed the inbred fool, "You look almost like Jenny's brother, Ronald McDonald!"  
  
Jenny, who was hiding in a nearby luggage rack with her partner in Hughlicious crime, Kelly, found this to be very amusing. "Ahhhh," sighed Jenny," I'm so happy that my brother looks like Ronald." Kelly looked at her all crazy and decided it was an overdose of Logan that had put her over the edge.  
  
"Jenny," said Kelly, who was speaking very slowly and approaching her crackie friend with extreme caution," You HATE your brother. And you don't even call him Ronald anymore! It's Egon from the Ghostbusters now!"  
  
"Oh, yeah," said Jenny," I hate that little bastard!!" Jenny took out a random picture of her brother and started poking holes in it with her McDonald's nametag.  
  
Meanwhile, Senator Kelly got on a helicopter and the door closed behind him. Hmmmm..... the pilot was green...hmmmmm Toad maybe? What kind of security do they hire in the government? They let random green people walk their green asses wherever they please nowadays I guess. Whatever. In the plane the smelly Senator was talking to his weekend hooker, Fred, on his cell phone. "Hi Freddie," said the Senator, grinning like Jean Grey on Jenny Brand crack," Last night was wonderful." Henry, Senator Kelly's "helper", looked at his ass all crazy. A mannish voice answered the Senator back. It sounded like Barney from the Simpsons.  
  
"Beeeeeeeeeelllllllcccccchhhhhh," said the man on the other end of the cell phone. The Senator hung up and started talking sheeit to Henry, who was still lookin' at him all crazy. "We're Americans," explained Captain Yeeeeeeeeeaaccccchhh (you know the sound he makes when Toad eats the bird?) "I can date and love another man and everyone will respect that." The Senator looked out the window of the plane, alarmed that they were flying over water, "Where the shit are we?" Henry morphed into a random naked, blue Smurfette. "What the hell!" shouted the good Captain. He made as if to get up but the blue thing used her ape-like toes to grab the senators' chubby ass cheek. "OOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW," screamed Senator Kelly," My ass!!!" The blue nose goblin just pinched harder, then she started to beat the living turkey outta him.  
  
"Do you know that because of you I was afraid to go to the bathroom as a child?" said the blue thing for some odd reason. Senator Kelly just looked at her all crazy, like she had a booger coming out of her nose. The blue thing had had enough; she whipped her sagging breast in his direction. It smacked him dead in the face, nipple too. In Kelly's words," It knocked him the fuck out!" The nudie pushed his limp body down and left his ass there. She walked to the front of the helicopter and took her place next to golden penis painting Toad. He grinned at her and used his tongue to squeeze her nipple. "Hey ass," shouted Bluie, "You better have a good mutha fucking reason for squeezing my tit or so help me Hugh, I mean God, I don't know what the fuck I'll do!!" Toad turned yellow and slumped down in to the chair and concentrated on flying to the distant island in the, well, distance.  
  
  
  
LOCATION: Baldy's School for the Gifted/ inside of another lab  
  
  
  
Logan, the shirtless wonder, lay completely shirtless on a metal hospital table. Did I mention that he was shirtless? Well, he was completely, totally, utterly, shirtless. You could see his belly button, and sexy chest hair, and nipples...ahem. Kelly and Jenny sat in a nearby corner smelling his shirt with a vengeance. "Pass that sheeeit over here," said Jenny, grabbing at Logan's shirt.  
  
Kelly took another deep breath of the wonderful shirt. "We must erect a monument for the shirt," stated Kelly.  
  
Jenny looked at her all weirdish like. "Um...ok...sure," said Jenny not too enthusiastically," I'd rather molest the man that wears the shirt, Kelly. I don't mean to burst your shirt loving bubble but.... don't you think that's it's a little odd to erect a giant marble monument for well, a shirt?"  
  
Kelly looked Jenny straight in the eye with a seriousness that startled poor Jenny. "YES!" Kelly. Kelly ran out the door and down the hall spinning the heavenly shirt over her head and making Indian noises.  
  
"Riiiiiiiight," said Jenny. She continued to watch the shirtless Logan, waiting for just the right moment to pounce on him. Jean Havesexwithmenow Grey walked into the room. Logan looked at her with love in his eyes. Jenny immediately became insanely jealous. She looked at her skin. It was turning...GREEN!! She was becoming She-Hulk!! Jean put some monitoring devices on Logan and was preparing him for an X- ray. "I didn't hurt you did I?" asked Logan guiltily, while gesturing towards Jean's hickey infested neck.  
  
Jean pulled down some of her turtleneck and showed him her neck. It had a huge bruised Logan handprint on it. "No," she said.  
  
Logan grinned and made the coolest comment in the whole world aside from the "You're a dick" one. "Couldn't wait to get my shirt off again, huh?" said the charming and brilliant man. (Author's note: when Jenny and Kelly saw X-men in the theater for the 5th time, Kelly, at this particular moment, said, "I couldn't!!" after Hugh's little line. Well, she didn't whisper it; she said it really loud and everyone in the theater heard her.)  
  
Logan went into the whirly thing. WHIRRRR WHIRRRR WHIIRRRR. The little lights went on and they tanned him to a nice golden brown. Toasted Logan goodness. While Logan was getting a tan, Jenny was busy beating the snot out of Jean. Jenny picked up the four-pound prostitute with one green muscled arm and flung her ass the fuck down, and with the other arm managed to drag Logie out of the tanning booth.  
  
"KEELLLLYY! GIT YOUR ASS IN HERE AND HELP A BROTHER OUT!!" Jenny aka She-Jenny roared. Kelly flew in with the Logan shirt tied around her neck like a cape. "Here I come, bitch!" She did a flying leap into Jean's jaw and knocked out 11 teeth. Jean tried to use her telekinesis to put her teeth back in, but She-Jenny flushed the teeth down a random toilet. KERFLUSH! "Sonofabitch!" Jean said. Actually, it sounded more like "thono-a-ith", since her ass was toothless. Jenny held Logan up by a leg, like a doctor about to make a baby cry. She raised her arm, but Kelly beat her to it and landed an almighty whack on his tender ass.  
  
"WOOOO!" screamed Logan.  
  
"Oooo, my turn!" She-Jenny raised her gigantic arm and slapped the shit outta Logan's heinie. That motherfucker went flying. He slid back into the tanning booth. At about 102 miles an hour.  
  
Just then, the other X-Folks decided they wanted to join them. Kelly and Jenny, who had morphed back into regular crack addict Jenny, hightailed their asses outta there to hide somewhere in the building. But where? Da Da daaa!  
  
  
  
LOCATION: SOMEWHERE THE FUCK ELSE  
  
  
  
All the X-Dorks sat around staring at Logan's sexy X-rays. "This metal is called adamantium. It's been surgically grafted to his entire skeleton," said Jean, reading the notes on her breast implants.  
  
"How could he have survived that?" Scott asked retardedly.  
  
Jean looked further down her shirt. "I dunno, but he has incredible regenerative powers, which makes it impossible to tell his real age. He could very well be older than your dirty draws, Professor Baldavier." Jean suddenly busted her ass on her own two breasts. They popped. SPLOOGE!  
  
Capt. Picard looked at her oddly for a second before continuing. "Engage number two...I mean...Experimentation on mutants. It's not unheard of, but something like this..."He hit the turbo booster on his Wheelie 5000 and flew forward at warp five into Jean's rapidly deflating shabadoo's.  
  
"Hndgian ag kagsdgiubn kgasdgui..." mumbled the Professor into Jean's breasties. "Jean, your breasts have never tasted like this before." Scott looked at the Professor all pissed off with his one eye. "I mean, they've never LOOKED like this before," corrected the Prof. "I mean FELT like this.... I mean...nevermind. Jean, why don't you take Logan to his room? Jean swaggered out of the room like a two bit whore.  
  
When they got to Logan's room, he started opening drawers and doors and closets. Jenny and Kelly had hidden in the closet, but he didn't seem to notice them.  
  
"So what are your special powers?" he asked Jean.  
  
"THE POWER TO INFECT YOU WITH STD's JUST BY LOOKIN' AT YOU!!" Jenny screeched.  
  
"I can move things with my mind."  
  
"What kinds of things?"  
  
"All kinds of things." The closet door shut, locking Jenny and Kelly inside.  
  
"Ain't this a mother fucker," Kelly observed.  
  
End Part 3 


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4! YAY! I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! Yow!  
  
"Awwwww, shit crap dammit!" yelled Jenny as she pounded and banged on the door. After awhile she gave up and slumped down on the floor. "We're doomed Kelly!" moaned Jenny, as she covered her face with her hands. Kelly was trying to see what the shizam was going on outside by looking through the little keyhole on the closet door. Logan's back was in the way, not to mention his beautiful buttox.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh," drooled Kelly," Asstastic, buttsational, hinnierific."  
  
Jenny looked up. "What is?" asked Jenny.  
  
"Logan's ass." replied Kelly, who had her whole face pressed against the tiny keyhole.  
  
"Move over beeeeeyatch!!" roared Jenny. Jenny knocked Kelly over and took her spot at The Holy Ass-Viewer. Logan suddenly shifted so that Jenny could see him talking to Jean. He appeared to be, no wait, it couldn't be! HE WAS! Logan was flirting with the slutty tramp AND her deflated breasts!! Kelly and Jenny both stood up at the  
  
same time and looked feverishly for something to get them out before something sexual could happen. The last thing that they needed to see was Jean's hairy gapped ass, saggified breasts, and moldified penis!  
  
"We'll get out," said Kelly reassuringly," We have a mission! We must fondle Logan's ass and see the manhood!"  
  
Jenny felt a wave of new hope. She got up and started cursing like no tomorrow. "Mutha fucker!" she  
  
cursed," You better Goddamn open up this mutha fuckin' door! Stupid ass bitch!"  
  
"That's the spirit!" shouted Kelly joyously, happy to see Jenny back to her old potty-mouthed self. Kelly joined in with much determination.  
  
"Stupid cock-smokin' tramp!"  
  
"Donkey lovin' bitch!"  
  
"Mutha fuckin' hoebeast!"  
  
"Gutter-sluttish piece of shit!"  
  
"Inbred son of a goat!"  
  
"Shabadoo grabbing, hairy ass lickin.... AZZZZZ!"  
  
Oh, if only their parents could have seen them! They would have been so proud. Back and forth they swore, the words they shouted melted all the paint off the walls and made squirrels run into oncoming traffic. Jenny and Kelly fell back down, exhausted. Swearing takes a lot out of you. Logan and Jean completely ignored them.  
  
Jean continued talking the "whore talk."  
  
"I also have some telepathic abilities," continued the floppy breasted streetwalker. She shifted nervously. Any woman would be if Logan were in front of them. The dumb bitch didn't even have the decency to bow before her God!  
  
"Like your Professor?" asked the smooth and suave Logan.  
  
"Nowhere near as powerful," Jean explained while shaving her mustache off, "But he's teaching me to develop it. Ow, I hate shaving that little part under my nose."  
  
Logan walked toward her. "So I see." said Logan.  
  
Kelly had had enough. Jenny looked as if she was about to cry. She'd have to get them out and stop this he-bitch from getting Logan! Kelly looked around the closet for something to help them escape. All that she found was a bowling ball and a tube of super duper glue.  
  
"I have an idea," announced Kelly smartithly. Jenny watched what Kelly had in mind. Kelly aka the super genius took the bowling ball and smeared that shiny bastard with the glue. Kelly then flung the ball with all of her might at the closet door.  
  
"So, read my mind," said Logan daringly.  
  
"I'd rather shave, I'm quite hairy," replied Jean, who was busy shaving her wookified, meaty pits.  
  
"C'mon, you might like it," said Logan reeeeeeeeal sexy-like.  
  
Before Jean could start on the other pit, the bowling ball sailed clear through the door and "Babow!" slapped Jean right in her 104 year old, wrinkly, grizzled, razor burned face. Jean flew straight across the room at the Speed of Bald. The gluie ball stuck fast to the flab on her left cheek. She went right through the wall and didn't stop until she dived, full- speed ahead, into David Bowie's tights (you know, the one's that he wears in Labyrinth? The real gross ones that leave nothing to the imagination?) Logan just laughed. "Hahahahahahahahaa," he laughed. Jenny and Kelly opened the evil closet and tumbled out. "We're freeee!!!" they exclaimed happily. Then they saw their prey. LOGAN! They went running toward him and latched on to whatever they could grab. Kelly had a leg and Jenny had jumped on his back with her arms tightly wrapped around his neck.  
  
"Uhhh, fftttt, hfhhhhsshs," gasped Logan. Jenny was strangling his sexy ass.  
  
"I think that he said that he wants you to hold him tighter," said Kelly while sniffing his leg.  
  
"You don't have to tell me twice," replied Jenny grinning like the Crack Queen. Logan had had enough already. He flipped Jenny over his back and she flew onto the bed. Then he wiggled Kelly off his slobbered upon leg and picked her up and placed her next to Jenny.  
  
"Now," started Logan as he spoke to the wide-eyed girls, "I know that you two are a little taken with me and I wish that I could just make wild, passionate, animal love to both of you, separately of course. But you two have to stop following me." Kelly and Jenny just stared back with cheesy grins.  
  
"Ok," they lied.  
  
"Good girls," said Logan as he started to walk out the door. Guess who was in the damn way again. Old underfed, malnourished, shrimpified, Cycloptic Scott. "Aren't you gonna tell me to stay away from your hairy, booty-faced girl?" asked Logan with a big ass smirk on his handsome face.  
  
"No," replied The Gay One-eye, "That's why she's my hairy, booty-faced girl."  
  
"Then I guess that you have nothing to worry about," said Logan the almighty smart ass , "Cyclops."  
  
"It must just burn you up that a boy like me saved your life," said Scott while picking his nose, "Better be careful, I might not be there next time." He was about to turn away and eat his find when another smart assed comment came up. "Oh, and Logan," he continued," Stay away from my girl."  
  
Logan looked pissed. That's not a real smart thing to do. Piss off a guy that comes equipped with claws and a tight ass. Jenny picked up a nearby lamp and tossed it at Scott's Hamburglar shaped head. It knocked him. the fuck out! Jenny and Kelly ran past Logan, after they grabbed his butt, and went to look for another hiding place. As they passed the unconscious Clopster, Kelly spit out her gum and jammed it up his nose.  
  
  
  
(Ok, Kelly wrote this next part and it is Goddamned graphic and gross!)  
  
  
  
LOCATION: MAGAYTO'S JOINT  
  
Meanwhile, at Magayto's Lair o' Gay, Sabretooth was raping the shit outta Sen. Kelly.  
  
"Ohhh, yeah oh yeah, you like that don't you. Mmmmmm, hahuuuhhuuuh."  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!" Just as Sabretooth was about to shoot inside of Sen. Kelly, Magayto strolled in.  
  
"What are you doing?"  
  
Sabretooth pulled out and blasted his mess. Unfortunately, it hit Magayto dead in the face. It rolled down into his nose and mouth in little streams of goo.  
  
"That was uncalled for," said Toad, as he waltzed in. Then he stuck out his giant  
  
cock-shaped tongue and ate a random wallaby.  
  
"Yeaaaaackchsfgafnvmhalsclnbgdhgtkljhsllll,icky!" said Sen. Kelly.  
  
Magayto ignored the shit on his face and picked Sen. Kelly up and forced him into a chair. Then Magayto floated up into a giant penis. His face got all twisted and shit as the penis lengthened and straightened. Magayto's lips pulled back until his huge yellowed horse teeth showed. Down on the ground, Sabretooth opened his Elmo umbrella as Toad clung to his legs. The giant penis shot a big wad of goo. It rained down everywhere, and Mystique started to dance around in it like the cum guzzling hooker she is. Magayto floated gayly down to the ground. He walked over to Sen. Kelly all gay like and whispered gayly in his ear, "Welcome to gay, my brother." Sen. Kelly fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone.  
  
  
  
LOCATION: LOGAN'S BEDROOM O' LOVIN  
  
Jenny and Kelly were hiding under the bed, listening to Logan groan in his sleep. "He sounds sooooo sexy," whispered Jenny. "Can you imagine what his moans sound like when he's awake?" Jenny's mouth dropped. "Ahhhhghggg, Loganage"  
  
Suddenly, the door opened and that shim Rogue walked in like she owned the damn place.  
  
"Logan, Logan...Wake up. Logan."  
  
"Man, don't wake him up, you dykemonger," said Jenny, all pissed off. Logan sat straight up all of a sudden and stabbed the piss out of Rogue. Kelly leapt out from under the bed and danced a little jig.  
  
"Woohoo, kill the bitch, stab the bitch, and fuck her up. Kill the bitch, stab the bitch, fuck her up!" she chanted. But Rogue reached out a decrepit and moldy hand and drained poor Logie almost to death.  
  
"No this mother fucker didn't!" Jenny yelled, and turned into Jenny-Ra. "By the power of GraySkull, I mean Wolverine!" Jenny-Ra used her mighty crowbar to pry that Logan molester's nasty ass paws offa him. Jenny-Ra  
  
looked at Logan, who was half dead. "Kelly! You heal him! I'll take care of the ol' hoebeast!" Kelly laid her hands on Logan's bare chest, and resisted the urged to fondle the nipples. A green glow appeared.  
  
And so did Clopster and SexQueen.  
  
But Kelly wasn't havin' none of that. So she turned into a Ronin Warrior and busted out with a "Thunderbolt Cut" on that ass. Gaylops and FuckMistress were blown the fuck outta the room.  
  
  
  
~End part 4 


	5. Chapter 5

Here's part 5. These characters aren't ours, well maybe Logan is, but Stan can keep the rest. This shit just keeps gettin' better and better, don't it?  
  
LOCATION: SOMEWHERE IN THE GHETTO SCHOOL  
  
Logan lay sleeping in a beddie, totally exhausted all because of that whore that drained his fine ass. Good thing Logan has lots of stamina. Ole Nohair sat close stroking his ever gleaming baldness. Logan awoke. "Ugggghhh....what the shit happened? Where's that bright light comin' from?" Logan asked, confused, "Oh, your bald ass head. One minute I dreamt that two sexy ladies were hiding under my bed talking about my sexy ass and the next I'm here feeling like sheeeeit. Did I kill the little bitch that did this to me?"  
  
"Marie's fine," said O'baldy, over Logan's groan, "Whenever Marie touches someone she absorbs their life energy. In a mutant's case, she absorbs their powers for a short time. In your case your ability to heal."  
  
"I feel like she almost killed me," said Logan.  
  
"If she had held on any longer, she could have infected yo' ass with AIDs or Syphilis!!"  
  
Logan rolled out of bed and got onto his feet unsteadily. He reached out his hand and started to rub Baldy's smooth and shinerific head. "Oh Mighty Bald," chanted Logan," reveal to me the most hookerish woman in the entire world!" Appearing in the mirror-like sheen of Baldavier's head was the horrible image of Jean. Logan shuddered at the sight of it.  
  
"What are you doing?" asked a manly voice. Logan whirled around and nearly shit his pants. Jean was standing behind him, and boy was she ugly as fuck. She had a green face mask on and her hair was all gray and greazy.  
  
"What the hell happened to your hair!" yelled the Great Baldini. Jean looked at him all crazy.  
  
"That's a wig, moron." she snapped, with attitudage much. In her wrinkly, moisture-free hand, she held up a scary looking bright ass red wig. The Prof. grabbed a lighter and immediately torched it. Jean shot the burning hair to the ground.  
  
"Jean," scolded Baldalini, "You know that we don't allow pets of any sort here!" Jean was pissed. She opened her jaw to speak, but her 11 toothed denture slid out of her overworked mouth.  
  
"Goh Hammit!" she said, stamping her foot on the ground. Drool leaked everywhere, not the good kind of drool mind you (the good drool is Hugh Jackman Brand or Logan Goodness Brand), but the smelly, haven't brushed their teeth in an eon kind of drool. Logan and King Baldthur covered their noses with their hands. "SMMMMMEEEEEELLLL BBBBAAAADDDD!!!" they both yelled together. Jean, who was totally humiliated, ran away down the hall bawling like a kid that couldn't get that last Pikachu toy.  
  
LOCATION: MAGAYTO'S JOINT AGAIN  
  
Sen. Kelly stands with his head pressed against the metal bars of his prison, overlooking the ocean. His face registers one of no hope. Behind him is a bleak andcsimply awful room. Regular T.V. only, no cable. A limited movie collection, only 5,000 titles to choose from. Playstation, but no Dreamcast. Only two leather couches. Tons of food and soda, but no Coke. Who does this Magayto think he is? These accommodations were terrible. The Sen. rubbed his sore ass. Sabertooth had really let him have it. He wouldn't be able to walk straight for at least a week. The Sen. stroked the lovebite on his neck. "Boy, that Sabertooth was a strong fellow," thought the Senator, "And the sex was good too..Wait! What am I thinking?! I love Fred!" The senator banged his head against the bars in anger. Much to his surprise, his head started to move slowly through the bars. He pulled back in fear, but overcome with curiosity he pushed his head through some more. This activity reminded him of something.....he just couldn't remember what. The more he went through, the bigger his eyes looked. He looked like a fish that had just been goosed. When the Senator was almost through, he looked back at all the expensive things in the room. Being the greedy bastard that he was, he went back into the room and began to stuff electronics wherever he could. "Good thing Sabertooth stretched out my asshole," thought the senator happily, as he rammed a 42 inch T.V. up his butt.  
  
Magayto walks across a giant Popsicle stick with Sabertooth close behind him. Sabertooth couldn't take his dialated, fucked up eyes off his master's gapped ass. Magayto entered the first room to the Senator's luxury prison. "How are we feeling today Senator?" called Magayto, "Gay and ready for more man on man hardcore analaction I hope." Magayto stopped and looked around the empty room. Even the couches were gone!! He stared at the wall. There was a Fat Bastard-like silhouette cut into the stone wall. Then Magayto and Sabertooth heard it. At first it was very distant but the sound soon became more clear.  
  
"Ah, want mah bahby back bahby back bahby back bahby back bahby back bahby back ribs," sang the voice in a Scottish accent. Magayto approached the window and looked out. "Aye matey," said a man that neither resembled Sen. Kelly nor smelled like him, "Want some chicken?"  
  
The fat man was clinging to the rocks with his 30 lb pinky. His ass was huge! "What did you do to the senator?" demanded Magayto.  
  
"Ah'm Sen. Kelly," said um... a fat ass version of Senator Kelly, "What have ye dun ta me?!"  
  
Magayto looked at him with disgust. The Senator had a giant piece of chicken skin stuck to his lip and his pants, well, let's just say they didn't hide fatty's monster crack too good. Plus, the Senator had hundreds of electronic appliances rammed into any open orifices. Magayto for Sabertooth to retrieve the disgusting man. As Sabertooth reached down to pull up lardass, lardass bit back. He ended up chewing the fuck outta Sabertooth's arm. Sabertooth growled as the Senator plunged down into the water below, Sabertooth's jerking-off arm in his mouth.  
  
Sabertooth looked back at Magayto, who was getting more and more impatient. "Well!" Said Magayto. Sabertooth turned around showing his master his stumpy. Magayto gave his ass a look that would have made my brother clean. He huffed out of the room, locking one -armed Willie in the cell.  
  
"Blehleh!!"  
  
LOCATION: BALDY'S SCHOOL FOR THE GAY  
  
Rogue and a random hermaphrodite named Booby sat on the toilet together.  
  
"You should go," Booby said. So Rogue's ol' nasty ass started to piss on him.  
  
"That's not what I meant, whore."  
  
"Oh. What did you mean, then Booby?"  
  
"What did you do? My love-errrr- I mean, the Professor's furious. I don't know what he'll do with you."  
  
"No no, you don't understand. It was an accident."  
  
"You never use your powers against other gays. And stealing their powers is out of the question," Booby said.  
  
Jenny and Kelly, who were hiding in the bushes near the Port-o-Potty, heard the whole thing. "That shim nibbler didn't just call Logan gay, did he?" said Kelly, lookin like she was about to whoop some ass.  
  
"I think he did. What are we gonna do about it?"  
  
"Someone's about to die." The two crack fiends walked out of the shit infested bushes (they'd do anything for Hugh).  
  
"Get as far away as you can. It'll be better for all us herms that way."  
  
"But Booby..."  
  
"I SAID GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, BEEEYATCH!"  
  
Rogue started to cry all wimpily. She ran away.  
  
Jenny and Kelly stopped their bum rush on the kid.  
  
"He just made her leave. Maybe we should let him live after all," Jenny said, and then pointed at Booby, "Ewwww!! His eyes are all yellow!! Yuck!" Booby hightailed it out of there and went inside the school.  
  
"That's one fucked up kid," stated Kelly, "He's go an odd shaped head too."  
  
"Yeah," agreed Jenny, "A little too odd and...almost rectangular."  
  
LOCATION: A NUDE BEACH  
  
Ahhh.a day at the beach. A little kid relaxes in the ocean in his inner tube. Suddenly something surfaces in the water and inhales deeply. It's fat...naked and reeeeeeal damn FAT!  
  
"Tommy, let it go!!" cries a little girl to her brother. A random boy is poking a bloated corpse with a stick. It's all rotten and nasty lookin'.  
  
"Please let it go!!" she continues.  
  
The boy continues poking the corpse like no tomorrow.  
  
"I'm telling mom!" the girl finally yells as she runs away to tattle tail.  
  
The idiot boy still prods the corpse, like he has nothing better to do. Someone gets out of the water and walks by him. It's a totally nude Senator Kelly and boy does he looked fucked up.  
  
"Move it ye wee pouf!" yells the disgruntled Senator. As he moves, his lard jiggles and wiggles. The poor kid chokes on his own tongue and dies next to his pokified buddy, Mr. Corpse. The Senator starts to harass some topless women.  
  
"Ahhh, I'm dead sexy," states the Senator while twisting his nipples, "Look at mah sexy bohday!" The women run away from him but the Senator chases them. He gives up after like two steps.  
  
"Aw...wheeze...forgit...yegasp," yells the winded Senator, "I kin pleasure mahself without lassies." The Senator starts to masturbate in front of everyone on the beach.  
  
"Ooohh, yeah," moans the Senator, "This is what I call hot sex!"  
  
A police officer pulls up next to the busy Senator in a jeep. "Um.what the hell do you think you're doing?" asks the cop angrily.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doin'?" yells fatty fat fat fat, "I'm mplaying with mah wee nads ye wee bairn! Now, leave me the hell alone now before I goo all over yer pretty outfit!"  
  
The cop starts to spray Senator Kelly in the face with mace. "Hey!! Stop it!" screams the Senator, "It burns like mah stomach does after I've eaten three tons o' chili!" The now blinded Kelly starts to stumble about, squashing about 30 sun-tanners in the process. While running down the street he somehow manages to enter a McDonald's. The crew spots him and turns white.  
  
"Hurry everyone!! Operation Fatass Feeding is now under way!" yells a manager. The entire crew begins to manufacture hundreds of burgers. The Senator makes his way to the bathroom and goes to the sink to wash his burning face.  
  
"Ahhhh, I love ye, ye bonnie wee sink," says the hugely obese Senator. He exits the bathroom and suddenly stops. He sniffs the air like a random Logan sniffs for a smelly one-armed Sabertooth. "Big macs, Filet o' fish, crispy chickens," drools the still naked Senator. He makes his way to the front counter to order. All the people clear out of the restaurant in fear. The crew person that gets the crappy job of taking his order says his opening line, "Um...Welcome to McD..."  
  
"Shaddup laddie!!" interrupts the Senator, "Give me some Goddamn food or else I'll fart this place apart!!" The crew person looks at his manager with a scared expression. The manager nods no. "Um....Sir You have..to...um..pay.." says the crew person hesitantly.  
  
"FFFFFFTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!" Senator K lets loose a really nasty ftttter. The entire crew starts to puke all over the place.  
  
"BUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRMMMMM!!!!"  
  
The Senator doesn't stop pooting until the manager hands over 12 wheel barrels full of chow.  
  
"Now that's what I call a happy meal," said the Senator to himself, "Beeeeellllllcccchhhh!"  
  
Senator Kelly walks into a nearby Kohl's department store. The clerks all stare at him with wide eyes.  
  
"What are ye all staring at?" asks the fat streaker, "Ye haven't seen a dinger before? Now, I need a size 500000000000000X in men's pair o' levi's right away!"  
  
"We only carry up to XXL Sir."  
  
"Fine then!" yelled the Senator, "I'll go to a real store then, Walmart!"  
  
He sat on a cashier before walking veeeeeeery slowly out of the store. He headed for the nearest Walmart, but not before stopping at Taco Bell, Wendy's, Burger King, and Pizza Hut. Suddenly his fat ass broke through the street and fell into the sewer! "KEEEERRRSPLLLOOOOGEEEE!!" Down into the poop infested sewer he plunged. "Aye, crikey!!" screamed the Senator through a mouth full o' sheeit. He quickly swallowed, "Mmmmmmmmm! Just like the Haggis back home that Ma Bastard used to make."  
  
Some time later, after Fat Bastard had finally eaten his way through Westchester's sewage system, he crawled out of the cess pool. But, dammit, he was still hungrier than a bitch. He let his fat naked ass feel the full force of nature's gravity. Ass cheeks dragging on the ground, he headed for the nearest Wal-Mart to get some clothes, since Kohl's didn't carry his size. As he walked naked and fat down the street, people kept turning to stare at him.  
  
"Is that a mutant?" someone said.  
  
"Is it a gay?" someone else asked.  
  
"No! It's a Fat Bastard! And he smells like he rolled around in the damn sewer!" yet another person yelled. This started a riot. People started throwing Slim Fast cans, beer cans, used condoms, and birth control pills at Fat Bastard. He tried to run away, but do you know how hard it is for a 3-ton man to run?  
  
When Fat Bastard finally made it to Wal-Mart, he was about half the size he was when he left. Not only had the speed walk to the store helped, but for some odd reason, he kept leaking chicken grease. He threw on some random clothes and headed out once more.  
  
LOCATION: BALDY'S SCHOOL FOR THE SHAFTED  
  
"I wish I knew what Magayto wants with him," Baldy said, while rubbling on his head.  
  
"Maybe it's his way with people?" Gaylops said, thinking he sounded cool. Which he didn't.  
  
*Squeaky, squeaky* Baldy was now spit shining his head, and it was squeaking. "You don't like him?"  
  
"How did you know?" Scott said again, with this big shit eating grin on his face.  
  
"I am psychic you know."  
  
Just then, the Lord walked in. The two choir girls, Kelly and Jenny, sang in the background. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."  
  
"Where's Rogue?" he asked. And just as Baldy was about to answer, a yell rang : "Who gives a cock about that fucked up weasel?!"  
  
Logan looked around.  
  
"She's gone," Baldy said, stating the obvious. Another yell: "Well no shit Sherlock!"  
  
"We have to find her!" Logan said. Random yell: "No the fuck we don't!"  
  
"Are those two girls still floating around in here?" said Shorn Scrotum Head.  
  
Logan nodded as the two yelled yet again. "HEEEEEEELLLLL YEEEAHHHH, CUUUUUEBAALLLLLLL!"  
  
Magic 8ball Head sighed, then said, "C'mon, I'm going to use Cereblo."  
  
"What's that?" Logie asked the Prof.  
  
He wheeled into a room with a bunch of penies on the walls, causing Logan to say, "This sure is a big round room, sort of like your bowling ball head."  
  
"This machine will suck my cock until I am ready to find Rogue. Then I can tell you where she is."  
  
"You want me to wait outside?" Logie asked.  
  
"Do you like being watched?"  
  
"Good point. Hurry up please. We have to find her." "This is a time consuming procedure, Logan. I must relax," Baldy said, and closed the door in Logan's face.  
  
Random yell: "Oh heeeeeeellllllll mutha fuckin'naaaww!"  
  
~End part 5 


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6 of our pimp ass story. Read it now dammit! Read on....  
  
LOCATION:SCHOOL FOR THE RETARDED  
  
Outside of Cereblo, Logan was talking to Hooker Face and Gaylops.  
  
"Have you used your penis in Cereblo yet, Jean?" a mysterious random voice called out.  
  
"I hear you have a GIIIIAAANNNNT log!" taunted another voice.  
  
"Bigger than BIIILLLL BRAADLEY'S!" said voice #1.  
  
"You got a penis, you got a penis, you big shim!" yelled voice #2.  
  
"You have a Johnson, eh?" Logan asked with one eyebrow raised.  
  
Jean ducked her head bashfully.  
  
"Sometimes, her shlong rivals mine," said Gaylops.  
  
"YOU have a cock? I DON'T THINK SO!" Logan wisecracked.  
  
"You think yours is bigger than mine?" Gaylops said, "Let's see it then."  
  
"Oh what the hell ever. You would really love to see that, wouldn't you, gay man."  
  
"I WOULD!!" voice #1 shouted.  
  
"YEAH, WHIP THAT BASTARD OUT!" voice #2 yelled.  
  
"Yeah, c'mon, let's see it," Gaylops said again.  
  
"I'll whip it out, all right. ON YO' FO'HEAD!" Logan sneered. So Logan whipped his mighty anaconda out and hit Gaylops in the face. It knocked him the fuck out! He quickly put it away before Jenny and Kelly could see anything and mob him, again.  
  
"DAMN YOU!" voice #1 said.  
  
"I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE DOLLARS IF YOU DO IT AGAIN!!" voice #2 called.  
  
Meanwhile, in Cereblo, Baldy was floating through some liquid substance. He was with so many other things that looked just like himself, and they were all going to one place. When they all finally got there, OrbMan realized what they were headed for. An egg! Where did it come from? How did it get here? And more importantly, what was he gonna do about it? He swam with a vengeance, hoping to beat all the other spermies there.  
  
"Get out of the way, ya bastards!" Suddenly, the other sperm got pissed and started whooping his ass with their tails. He was an intruder in their home. But it was okay, since he now knew where Rogue's ol' bitchass was. Her picture was floating inside the egg. Baldy turned back and headed out of Cereblo. As he wheeled down the hall to the door, he was trying to stuff his spent penis back into his draws. Unfortunately, he was paying more attention to his shriveled cock than the road. He fell the fuck off. Again.  
  
Outside, Logan's super sensitive hearing picked up bald on metal and a muffled yell.  
  
"LOOOOOOGGGAAAAAAANNNNNNN! GUEESSSSS WHHHHAAAATT? IIIII FELLLLLL AAAGGGAAINNNN! HEEELLLPPPP MEEEEE. IIII'VVVVE FALLLENNN DOOWWNNNN THEEE WEEELLLLLL!"  
  
"Gooooooooooddaammn!" said Logan, kicking Jean in shins. "Professor! Where's Rogue?"  
  
"WWWHHHHHAAAATTTT? YOUUUUU HHHAAAAVEE TOOOOO SPEEAKKK UUPPPP, RRREEEMMEMMBERRR?"  
  
"I SAID, WHERE THE FUCK IS ROGUE?!?!?" screamed Logan.  
  
"Like I said before, WHO GIVES A COCK?" voice #2 yelled.  
  
"WWWHHHHAAAAATTT'DDDD SSHHHHEEEEE SAAAAAYYYY? OOOHHHHHH, RRROOOOGGGUEE'SSSS ATTTT THHHHEEE BOOORRRDEELLLLLLOOOOO.....IIII MEEEAAAANNN, TTRRRRAAIINNNNN SSSTTAAATTTIOOONNNNN. IIIIII SHHHHOUUULLLDDD KNNNNOOOOWWW TTHHHHHEEE DDDIIIFFFFFEEERRRREENNNCEEEE, IIII GOOOOO TTTHHHEEERRRRREEE QQQUUUUIIIIITTTEE AAAA BIIIITTTTT!"  
  
He was talkin' to nobody, cuz they all walked the HELL away. Jean came back a few minutes later to dump out her bathroom trash, forgetting that the Prof. was down there.  
  
"HHHEEEYYYYY!! NNNOOTTTTT AAAAGGAAAINNN!"  
  
LOCATION: SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY FROM THE PROFESSOR'S YELLS  
  
Jean suddenly received a psychic transmission from Baldy. "Jean, ya dumb bitch!" yelled the Professor, "Cereblo is NOT your own personal garbage dump. You dumped all your nasty ass used pads and tampons right on my head! I just waxed that shit dammit! Anyways, have Scott and Ororo go get Rogue, make sure Logan stays put."  
  
"Yes Professor." said Jean.  
  
"I'm the reason that she left!" said Logan, "I called her a mugly ass STD infected whore!"  
  
"It's ok," said the stupid Storm in her fake ass African accent, "She's just upset."  
  
"Yo mama!!" yelled voice #1.  
  
Storm and Gaylops headed out to the garage to get some wheels. Gaylops stopped and looked at an empty spot in the building.  
  
"Where's my ambiguously gay duo mobile?" asked Gaylops, "Oh, wait, there it is. Hey! My motorcycle is missing!"  
  
LOCATION: LOGAN'S GETTING HIS KICKS ON ROUTE 66  
  
Logan's having himself a fun ass time on Unieye's motorcycle. "I make this shit look good," thought a cool lookin' Logan. A red switch caught his eye. He flipped it up. VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!! His ass flew off the super-sonic bike and landed about five blocks away from it. He looked around to see if anyone saw him fly like a skier jumping into the wind. He heard a random voice yell, "Nice job, slick!"  
  
A red corvette suddenly pulled up next to him and came to a screeching halt. Jenny and Kelly both got whiplash after Kelly's horrible stop.  
  
"Mother fuh....hey! Logan! Need a lift?" Jenny said, rubbling the back of her neck. "Sure. Can you give me a ride to the train station?"  
  
"Now, why do you wanna go there for? Wouldn't be to find that hooker would it?" Kelly asked.  
  
"I want to buy a train ticket?"  
  
Jenny and Kelly looked at each other.  
  
"So, what do you think? Is he tellin' the truth?" Kelly asked.  
  
"I really don't give a rat's fucking ass! We'll take the long way."  
  
"Okay, Logan. Hop on in. We'll give you a ride." Logan started to get into the back seat, but Jenny was havin' none of that shit. She physically threw him into the front seat, between the two molesters of Hugh's.  
  
Kelly tore the fuck off, flooring the gas pedal. A pretty amazing feat, since Kelly doesn't have a license.  
  
Logan sat uncomfortably in the middle. There was plenty of room in the front seat for all three of them, but for some reason, they kept crowding him. And he wasn't too confident in Kelly's driving "skills" either. He sat and twiddled his thumbs. He was looking at anything except the two girls. Jenny started to run her hands over his thigh.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"What? I wasn't doing anything," Jenny said innocently, putting her palms out. She ended up whacking the hell out of Logan. But she kept her hand on his face, caressing his mutton chops  
  
"Fuzzlicious," Jenny said, drooling.  
  
"What's going on over there? I want in on it too!" Kelly looked over at Logan, eyes anywhere but on the road.  
  
"Ummmm....shouldn't you be paying attention to where you're going?" Logan asked. He decided he was going to put on his seatbelt, just to be safe.  
  
"Where are the seatbelts on this thing?"  
  
"I think you're sitting on them. Here, I'll get it out," Kelly said, taking her eyes and her hands away from driving.  
  
"No, wait, they're over here, between his legs," Jenny said.  
  
"OUCH! Don't pull on that, that's not the seatbelt!"  
  
HHHHOOOOOOONNNNNNKKK, HOOOOONNNNKKKKK!!!!  
  
Suddenly, Kelly braked and Logan flew the hell out the windshield.  
  
"Holy ass!" Kelly and Jenny both screamed. But to their amazement, he got up and ran the hell away.  
  
"Dammit! Lost him again. To the train station, Jennytals!"  
  
~End part 6 


	7. Chapter 7

Wonderful part 7. Wow, this far already? Where has the time gone? Oh well....  
  
LOCATION: BACK AT THE SCHOOL  
  
Booby and some random friends were walking down the hall to the cafeteria.  
  
"Where's stinky ol' Marie?" asked one boy, "It was my turn to dump spaghetti on her head today."  
  
"I dunno and I don't care," replied Booby, "That bitch slept with my 5 year old brother and the family dog! Hooker!" They continued on their merry ways. The elevator door pops open and out steps another Booby, this one has a giant piss stain on the front of his shirt though. Booby 2 makes his way to Cereblo. He stops in front of it and his head morphs into a bald sphere aka Professor Xavier. "Welcome sex addict," says the computer voice that controls Cereblo's doors. Booby starts to get all naked and blue. He was Mystique! Duh!! The blue prune walks into Cereblo.  
  
"HEEEEEEELLLLOOOO?" yells a voice from below in Cereblo's depths. "CAAAAAANNNN YYYYOOOOOUUUU HHEEEEELLLPPPP MEEEEEEE? I'VVVVVVEEEE BBBEEEEENN TTTRRRAAPPED DOOOOWWWWNNN HEEERRREE FFFFOOORR SSOOOMMMETTIIIIIIMMMEEE NOOOOOWW!! IIII HAAAADDD TOOO EEEAAAAT SOOOMMEE OFFF JEEEAAAN'S OOOOOLDD PAAAADDS FFFOOOOR SUUUUSSSTEEEEENNNAANNCEEE!!"  
  
Mystique ignored his bald ass and proceeded to tear Cereblo the fuck up. She shit on the control panel and pissed all over the mechanical penis sucking device. Then she left the room. "UUUUMMM, WHAAAAATT'SS TTHHHAAAAAATT OOOODDDDOOORRR???? SMEEEELLLLS LIIIIIKEEE POOOOOOOOP!!"  
  
LOCATION: TRAIN STATION  
  
Hooker-faced Marie sat in the train station, waiting to board the Choo Choo Woo Woo train. She boarded and sat her ass the hell down. She watched a little boy and his mother touch each other tenderly. She was all jealous. Two loud, outspoken, girls' voices filled the train car. It was Jenny and Kelly.  
  
"Yes!" exclaimed Kelly, "We beat Logan here!"  
  
They spotted Marie and started insulting her instantly. "Well well well," began Jenny, grinning all huge, "If it isn't the little STD carrying hoebeast!"  
  
Kelly sniffed the air a few times. "Smells like someone shit their damn huggies up in this mug!" Kelly said that shit loud enough for every passenger to hear. The two up to no good gals sat down next to the scared Marie.  
  
"What do you want?" the prostitute asked, her voice shaking.  
  
"We want you to stay away from Logan, ya dumb lesbo!" said Jenny, hitting Marie in the head with a random rolled up newspaper. BABOW!  
  
Marie cowered down and began to cry, so Kelly, the ol' softy, dumped a 2 liter bottle of on her head.  
  
"Hey!" shouted Marie, ringing out her soaked hair.  
  
"Oh, didn't you just say, Pepsi please?" asked Kelly innocently.  
  
"I heard it!" said Jenny, while dumping a bottle of Mountain Dew on Marie's head, "She also said that she wanted to 'Do the Dew!'" "No I didn't!!" yelled Marie.  
  
"What's that?" asked Jenny, "You want Shake n' Bake too? Ok! I'll help!" Jenny poured a box of Shake n' Bake over Marie's wet head. She now resembled a piece of KFC. Marie was staring at something behind Jenny and Kelly. They turned around and came face to face with sexy ass Logan.  
  
"Hi there dreamboat," said Kelly and Jenny in unison. He looked kind of peeved.  
  
"What the hell are you two doing?" said Logan, grabbing Jenny and Kelly by the ears.  
  
"OW OW OW OW OW!!" the two yelled.  
  
"Sorry to have to be so rough, but you girls have to be nicer to poor STD infected Marie," explained Logan. He took out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the struggling girls to a chair.  
  
"Oooooh," said Kelly, smiling, "So you're into bondage?"  
  
"I can dig it!" said Jenny, also smiling.  
  
"You can cuff us anyday!" they said together.  
  
Logan rolled his eyes. "Whatever." he said, shrugging.  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Stormy and Goliath entered the building and began to search for Marie's ghettofied ass. Clopster just stood in one place and began to scare people with his colossal, regoddamndiculous, eye visor. A little kid looked at his deformed, UnHugh-like face all cock-eyed, then he began to laugh. "Hey ass," yelled Unicycle, "I pity da poo' foo' who laughs at me!" The kid picked up a rock and fitted it into his sling.  
  
"I shall slay thee O' Giant, Goliath," said the kid, "I am David!!" After saying that, the kid spun the sling and the rock bashed Dickeye right in the visor. The visor broke off and Frankeneye blasted the child with his red Blu-Blocker beam o' gayness. The kid burned into a pile of ash. The kid's mom started beating One-eye with a bat that she pulled from her purse. "You masher!" yelled the woman, while beating the now blind and helpless Jeanlover, "Kid beater! Dykemonger! I'm gonna whoop yo' ass!!"  
  
One-eyed Jack o' Gay covered his head. He couldn't see shit cuz he kept his eyes shut. That's about when a random man crawled up a wall behind him. It was Toadie the penis painter, wearing his TeleTubbies raincoat, Big Bird gollashes, and carrying his Elmo umbrella. Toad used his tongue to slap the shit out of EvilLoganHater. Unieye opened his eye and began blasting the shit out of everyone and everything.  
  
Storm was talking to the ticket sales person to try and find Marie while ol' Cyke was busy getting jacked up. "She's about my height, brown hair, 17?" explained to the ticket dude. Suddenly from behind her she heard heavy footsteps approaching. She turned around only to be grabbed by the neck by the armless wonder, Sabretooth. He picked her ragdolly ass up and said, "Piss your pants for me."  
  
Then he crunched her up against the glass ticket booth. Storm wasn't having none o' that sheeit so she sneezed right in his face. "Powerful mucus! Cover this monster to maintain justice!" she yelled reeeal loudish. Sabretooth flew back, covered in green boogs, because of her powerful sneeze. He went soaring through the air like a graceful one-armed swan. BAM! He went through a wall.  
  
Toad jumped on Sabretooth's stumpy. "BLEHEH!!" yelled Sabretooth in pain.  
  
"Quit shitting your pants," said Toad, as he hopped away in his PBS gear.  
  
Back in the train car, Logan was trying to convince Marie's dirty ass to stay at the school. "C'mon!!" pleaded Logan, "The students all need someone to bully! Who are they gonna dump spaghetti on, or mug for no reason?"  
  
Marie looked up, "Do you promise that I'll be the only one that people fuck with?"  
  
"I promise." replied Logan, laughing at the gullible child. Marie was about to try and kiss Logan when Kelly shot a food tray at Marie's puckered up face with her one free arm. Marie was knocked.....ahem. "Um, Kelly." said Jenny, prodding Kelly in the side. Kelly looked up, "Oh yeah! Sorry. Marie was knocked the fuck out!!"  
  
The train started to shake all of a sudden. The roof started to split apart. In floated Magayto, in all his gay glory. He was decked out in a leopard print body suit and a bright red-feathered boa. He pulled out a compact mirror and started to expertly put on lipstick, mascara, eye- shadow, blush, and foundation. He resembled a really gay and fucked up looking Cinderella.  
  
Logan let his claws out to protect Jenny and Kelly. (Not that ho Marie)  
  
"Ahhhhhh, you must be Wolverine. Tell me, that magnificent metal doesn't run through your entire body, does it?" Magayto asked gaily.  
  
Logan lifted his left brow, causing Kelly and Jenny to swoon.  
  
"Ahhhahhhhgggghhh, eyebrow goodness," said Jenny, drooling into her Official Logan droolie bucket.  
  
"Touchies?" asked Kelly with a big shit-eating grin on her face.  
  
"And while we're there, let's take a gander at your manhood." added Jenny, also grinning.  
  
"Cut it out you two! This is no time to be flirting with my sexy ass," said Logie.  
  
"Here ladies, let me lend you a hand," said all powerful gayman. He started to make Logan undo his belt buckle, slowly. Jenny and Kelly busted out with some dollar bills.  
  
"Take it off!!!" screamed the two girls.  
  
"C'mon," whined Logan," Leave me alone already! It's not my fault that I was born sexy and fine!"  
  
Magayto still persisted to undo the never-ending belt very slowly. Jenny and Kelly had just about enough of this slow shit. Kelly ran forward towards Logan and started to pull the 100 feet of belt from his pants. Suddenly Magayto fell to the ground in pain.  
  
"Owowowowowowowowowowooooooww!" yelled Old MacGayman," I hate cramps!"  
  
He pulled some Midol from the pocket on his body suit and started to pop the pills.  
  
Logan took advantage of that crampy bastard and rushed him with his claws o' goodness, but his ass got flung the hell back because Kelly still had the long belt in her hand. Logan was sadly knocked.....the fuck out! Jenny picked up a random KFC looking Marie and tossed that whore at Magayto. Marie the Whore was unfortunately (NOT) also knocked..... the fuck out! Jenny started to beat the beef outta Marie with some random army boots she found. "Babow nigga!" yelled Jenny, the kicking fiend.  
  
Kelly was meanwhile strokling the beautiful, unconscious, and now pants free and shirt free Logan.  
  
"You greedy bitch!" shouted Jenny at Kelly, "How dare you start to undress Logan without MY assistance." Jenny booted Marie one more time and went to claim her ass a piece of Logan. Jenny picked up Logan's legs and Kelly held onto Logan's arms. They pulled him back and forth between themselves. This was one fucked up game of tug o' war!  
  
"Mine! Sonofabitch!" yelled Kelly.  
  
"No way! I saw his sexy ass first!" replied Jenny while tugging on Logan's leg roughly.  
  
While they were fighting over their dream guy, Magayto did them a favor and floated off with Marie's hairy assed self. No one really gave a rat's rip.  
  
"Wait, wait, wait! Hold up for a sec!" said Jenny, dropping Logan's muscular legs to the ground. Kelly let his arms go at the same damn time. He fell to the ground like a brick.  
  
"Magayto took Marie!!" the two screamed at the same time. They looked at each other for a minute and then started whooping and hollering like hillbillies at a hoot n' anny! They busted out with the moonshine and beef jerky.  
  
"Magayto is such a Saint!!" exclaimed Kelly happily.  
  
"I think I like him now!" added Jenny, getting drunk as holy fuck. The two girls started to chew and nibble on Logan for some odd reason. Logan woke up and immediately began to beat the drunkies off like wild animals.  
  
"BACK! BACK I SAY!" yelled Logan like a lion tamer. He picked up a chair and whip.  
  
"RRRRROOOOOAAAARRRR!!" growled the two untamed girls.  
  
Whpppsht! Logan used the whip, trying carefully not to injure them. He had become quite attached to his little groupies and their scheming antics.  
  
Kelly looked up all of a sudden with a really confused look on her face, like she had just woken up from a Hugh dream.  
  
"Mutha fucker!" screamed Kelly, "Are you out your damn mind!?"  
  
Logan tossed the whip away and ran from the train to tell Ole Balditron about the assnapping, er.....I mean kidnapping of Marie.  
  
Jenny lay in a corner snoring loud as all fuck and calling out," HUGH!! OH HUGH!" Kelly bopped Jenny over the head sharply and woke her ass the hell up.  
  
"Wake up fellow whore!" said Kelly," Logan's escaping! Back to the Hughmobile!" Jenny and Kelly ran to the car at the Speed of Logan flying from Unieye's bike.  
  
Meanwhile, Magayto, Toadie, and Uniarm started to exit the train station. Toad was having some difficulty carrying Marie's down on the farm, obese ass. "This stupid bitch weighs a Goddamn ton!" whined Toad while trying to readjust the gay visor that he had gleeped from Gayclops, "I think that she went to town on that all you can eat buffet at the school!"  
  
Magayto opened the front door with his gay powers. The door suddenly became all rainbow striped and fruity. "GAY PRIDE!" shouted Magayto. Surrounding the entire building was the entire NYPD force and about half the city's hooker population. The cops picked up their weapons, the prostitutes, and held them like guns.  
  
"FREEZE COCK SUCKA!" bellowed a random cop.  
  
Magayto gave the guy a look that said "Niggaplease".  
  
The cops "cocked" their trampweapons.  
  
"You heterosexuals and your prostitutes," said Magayto while he lifted some of the pantiless gutter sluts into the air. The whole force shielded their eyes from the disease infested pubes of the hookers. They also had to plug their noses because of the foul odor coming from the tramp's stretched out privates. Suddenly, Sabretooth put his hand around Magayto's neck and started to choke the living shit out of him.  
  
"That's enough, Eric," said Sabretooth for some crack addict reason.  
  
"Yes, let them go," Toadie chimed in.  
  
"Why don't you and your baldified ass come out where I can see you, Charles!" shouted Magayto to his invisible assailant.  
  
No one came forward.  
  
~End part 7 


	8. Chapter 8

PART 8 of coolness. This one is pretty raunchy!  
  
Eggman McGoogoogajoob sat in Gaylops's ambiguously gay duo mobile next to Jean Havesexwithmenow Grey. She was sucking on his shorn scrotum head. She was trying to clean him off, since he had old used tampons sticking out of every orifice.  
  
"JJJEEEEEAANNNNNN, WHAATTTT SSHOOOOULLLDDDD III DOOOO? HHEEEE WOOONNNN'TTT LEEETTTT TTHHHEEE HHOOOOOOKKKEERRRRR GGOOOOO!!!!" yelled the Professor, right into Jean's ears.  
  
"Okay, you don't have to yell, you're not trapped in Cereblo anymore."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"What do you want her for?" Sabretooth/Baldy said.  
  
"Can't you read my mind?" Magayto asked, patting his weenies. "You'll have to kill me, and what will that accomplish, Baldy? You'll let these humans have their way and they'll have you in chains with a number burned into your shorn scrotum head."  
  
"Enough with the damn bald jokes already," Sabretooth/Baldy said. "It's not going be that way," he continued, all dramatic like.  
  
"Then kill me and find out, ass," Magayto challenged, all gay like.  
  
Nothing happened. "Then release me," Magayto said. He was getting mighty pissed off now.  
  
Meanwhile, Toad/Baldy was getting tired carrying Marie's ol' fat ass. He dropped her and she hit the floor like the ton of ass she was. He grabbed her by the hair and started to drag her ass the fuck away.  
  
Magayto saw that Baldy was controlling Toad, too. He frowned, and his eyebrows became one. Veins started to pop out on his forehead, and his face turned paisley.  
  
"FFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNEEE..........EERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!" he screamed, fillin' his pants to the brim with hot, steaming, multicolored, corn speckled, peanutty, Hershey squirtish, rabbit turdish, cow pie-ish or some shit, farm smellin', deformed turds in the toilet-ish, horse rippish, Lincoln loggish, soupy poopy-ish, ooey gooey stinky pooey mess of a shit. *ploop ploop ploop* (the turds, we swear they had faces. One of 'em winked at Jenny.)  
  
Some of the sheeit started to leak over the side of his pants. A random ladies man walked by and said, "Yeeahh, that's nasty, yeeah."  
  
A random turd flew and hit one police officer dead in the fo'head. It just started spinning around and left a brown streak as it traveled down his face. The whole crowd turned away in disgust and collectively moaned.  
  
Baldy lost his concentration at that point; he started throwing up old nasty tampons he had eaten before. They all landed in Jean's deflated shabadoo's. Or what was left of them anyway.  
  
As if being hit in the head with a shit wasn't bad enough, Magayto took advantage of Baldy's lack of concentration and floated a random hooker on top of the man's head. Her massive private parts engulfed his head.  
  
"Mrffmfmrrfmrfrmfr!!" the poor, poor, poor police officer said, waving his arms madly.  
  
"Make up your damn mind, Baldy. I don't think I can stop them all," Magayto said, as he moved the rest of the hookers into position. Baldy released his hold on Magayto's neck.  
  
"Still unwilling to make sacrifices, hey, Baldy? That's what makes you weak. Goodbye, Baldy."  
  
Toad blinked once and said, "What the shit?"  
  
The blue smurf nymphette Mystique landed a random helicopter and the three shit-covered evil-doers climbed aboard. The helicopter took off, and then landed again. Toad ran out and grabbed Marie by the hair. He couldn't move her fat ass an inch.  
  
"Keeeeeeeerist! Sabretooth! Get your wookified, one armed ass out here and help me!" Toad yelled.  
  
"Blehleh!" Translation: suck my dick.  
  
Magayto booted his ass out of the helicopter. "Help him, asshole," demanded Magayto.  
  
The professor and Jean could have saved Marie, but they were busy playing tiddly-winks on her pinned-to-the-dashboard breastasis.  
  
Three hours later, Sabertooth, Magayto, Toad, and Mystique managed to lift the 1356164987643 ton Marielephant onto the helicopter. The chopper had quite a bit of difficulty lifting off, in fact, it was only about a foot off the damn ground. It was also leaning precariously to one side. And that's how they traveled home. Magayto was so embarrassed, he could have gone straight.  
  
LOCATION: THE X-MANSION  
  
Logan's sweet sweet sweet ass finally arrived at the X-Mansion. "Professor! Jean!" he yelled into the empty halls, "Magayto took Marie's ghettofied hairy ass!!!" He entered the kitchen and saw a post-it note on the fridge. It said:  
  
"Logan, went to Dairy Queen with the other students and Ororo. Be back later on. P.S. There's some hamburger helper on the stove for you."  
  
XXOOXX  
  
Scottie Boy  
  
He had the house all to himself......that is until he heard clicking, giggling, and locking. "Oh shit!" moaned Logan. He started looking somewhere to hide.  
  
"It's too late for you cutie!!" said voice #1.  
  
"Strip now!" said voice #2.  
  
Logan ran down a dimly lit hall until he came upon a romantically lit table with a seven-course meal. He raised his eyebrow in question.  
  
"WOOO HOOOO!" whooped voice #2.  
  
Logan sat himself the hell down and began to chow down on the grindage.  
  
Kelly and Jenny were crouched behind a plant watching their lover-boy munching down on the lovingly drugged food. Kelly looked at the bottle of date rape pills in her hand.  
  
"It only says to use one pill per person!" said Kelly, alarmed, "We used half the damn bottle!!"  
  
"Yeah, but Logan is like 80 men in one." explained Jenny. "Oh, okay." said Kelly.  
  
Logan finished his grub and then started to sway about. He belched loudly.  
  
"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEERRRRRPPPP!! I have a tumbly ache! I don't feeeeeeel good!" cried Logan, holding his washboard stomach. That's about when his ass keeled over.  
  
The two fiendish girls rubbed their hands together in anticipation. DA DA DA!!!  
  
Random man-"Find out what these two crack-addicts will do with their now unconscious Logan in the next thrilling episode."  
  
~End part 8 


	9. Chapter 9

Part 9, It's not really really bad...just raunchy.....enjoy!  
  
Logan lay deliciously unconscious on the floor. Jenny and Kelly looked like they were about to lose their nerve.  
  
"Nonsense!" yelled Kelly for some odd reason. The girls approached his fine self with extreme caution.  
  
"Are you sure he's knocked out??" asked Jenny.  
  
"Yeah. Pretty sure anyways." replied Kelly.  
  
Just as they were about to grab him and have their fiendish little way with him, a cloud of smoke rolled into the room. Jenny and Kelly covered their cute little faces.  
  
"Oh, shitballs! Ok, who left the Hamburger Helper on high?" Kelly said, and then darted from the room.  
  
Jenny was clinging onto Logan as if her life depended on it. "Oh, Logan, I'm sorry, please wake up! I don't want you to die! I want to have many kids with you! Please, wake up wake up!" she started to shake the wombat out of him. His head hit the floor several times.  
  
"I'm up, I'm up!" Logan yelled, but Jenny wasn't listening. She continued to shake the crispy chicken out of him. That's when Kelly burst onto the scene.  
  
"GET THE FUCK OFF HIM!!" she yelled, while spraying Jenny with the fire extinguisher she used to douse the flames in the kitchen. Jenny fell off, momentarily stunned.  
  
"Are you okay, Logan?" Kelly asked sweetly, rushing to his side.  
  
"Does it bloody LOOK like I'm okay? I have 6 bagillion gazillion lumps all over my damn head!"  
  
Neither one of them had noticed that Jenny had gotten up and wandered away.  
  
"Hey, where'd Jenny go? Not that I care"  
  
"I heard that, bitch!" Jenny yelled, appearing on the scene. She had something hidden behind her back.  
  
"All right, whaddya have?" Kelly asked suspiciously.  
  
"I WAS saving this for Logan, but..." Jenny flung a massive chunk of ice at Kelly's forehead. Kelly looked like a deer in headlights. Then she was.....knocked the fuck out!  
  
"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Jenny laughed, jumping onto Logan. "Now you're mine, all mine! MWAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA!!"  
  
"That's what you think, psycho!" Logan said and tried to run away. But he was still woozy from the beating he had taken, and the date rape drugs they had given him. He fell down. Again.  
  
Jenny picked up a broken piece of ice and gave it to Logan. "Here, use this on your ouchie," she said, tenderly.  
  
"Hey, thanks. That's the first nice thing you've done for me in this whole fic," he looked over at Jenny and did the eyebrow thing. Uh-oh.....wrong damn thing to do in front of Jenny.  
  
"Oh....My....God," said Jenny, fighting the urge to manhandle Logan. "Must...let him....recoverrrr" her hands were clenched.  
  
"Is something wrong?" Logan asked suspiciously.  
  
"Noo, don't....talk...look...at wall....too sexy" Jenny said, hands still clenched. She was slowly moving towards Logan.  
  
At this point, Kelly woke up and saw what was happening. "Oh, shitballs," she said, for the second time in less than two minutes. "RUN, LOGAN, RUN!!!"  
  
Logan decided to heed the warning. He got up, or tried, and stumbled against a wall. He was gimpified, but he had to get away from Jenny before it was too late.  
  
"Don't go, please stay!" Jenny said, finally losing control of her womanly urges. Kelly swore she saw them flying out the window.  
  
Logan was still trying to escape, but Jenny tackled him. She was pressing him to the floor.  
  
"I'm surprised that the drug wore off so quickuh-oh spoke too soon. Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Pleeeeeease let it be the last one," Jenny said, noticing a peculiar formation in Logan's pants.  
  
"What? Hold on, I'm coming!" Kelly said, crawling over, holding her head.  
  
Logan muttered something under his breath. He was squirming around.  
  
"What was that, Logie?"  
  
He whispered something into her ear. Jenny started to laugh her damn ass off.  
  
"What'd he say?" Kelly asked, finally arriving.  
  
"He said........hahahahahheheh."  
  
"C'mon, dammit! Spit it out, hooker!"  
  
"He said hahahehehahgllblah!"  
  
"YOU DYKEMONGER! TELL ME!"  
  
Jenny tried to get it out in one big rush. "He said, 'I'm about to if you don't get off.'"  
  
Kelly looked confused.  
  
"When you said to wait, you were coming....you know? You see where I'm going with this?" Jenny explained.  
  
Kelly looked down. She paused before screaming, "OH MY GOD! JENNY GET YOUR ASS OFF OF HIM!"  
  
Unfortunately, it was too late. A giant wet spot started to grow on Logan's pants leg. He started to blush. And so did Jenny. Kelly looked on in amazement.  
  
"Wooo, look at it go!"  
  
"Mount Logan blew its top."  
  
"Elvis has left the building."  
  
"He got worn the fuck out!"  
  
"And he's spent!"  
  
"Old Faithful does it again!"  
  
"Jean has shaved her 'stache."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Never mind."  
  
By now, Logan was completely, totally, utterly humiliated. Did I mention he was seriously discomboobulated? Jenny and Kelly just stared at him as if he was a leper and his body parts were strewn all over the place.  
  
"This is soooooooo a Kodak moment!" Kelly shouted, and reached into her pocket and pulled out a disposable Kodak camera.  
  
"Oh yeah! You're a tiger, you're tony the tiger, you're grrrrrrreat! You're lemurs, you're lemurs, dig dig dig dig, and you don't have sharp teeth capable of biting! Dig a series of interconnected tunnels like the Viet Cong!" Kelly moved all over the place, snapping pictures left and right. "And I'm spent....kinda like you."  
  
"Oohhhhhhhh....." Logan groaned.  
  
As if things couldn't get worse for our hero, Scott and the other X-Gays decided to waltz in, with their Dairy Queen cones in hand.  
  
"Hi, Logan, did you find the Hamburger Hel---what the hell? Who're these two? And why are the front of your pants all wet?" said Gaylops.  
  
"Uhhhh"Logan's eyes darted back and forth, looking for an escape route.  
  
"Didja piss on yourself?" asked some kid.  
  
"Welllllll, see, what had happened was...that, uhh, see they were....umm and uhh, they had started to....ya know, um yeah, and then Jenny.....she uhh, hmmm."  
  
"You know my name???" asked Jenny excitedly, jumping up and down.  
  
"So, what happened after that?" Gaylops prodded.  
  
"HE SPEWED IN HIS PANTS BECAUSE WE PLEASURED HIM!!" yelled Kelly.  
  
"What!!????" said the whole crowd in shock.  
  
~End part 9 


	10. Chapter 10

Part 10, song time!! We soooo silly!  
  
The whole room gasped in awe. They crowded around Logan like he was Fat Bastard in a petting zoo. Some people had sticks and were poking him.  
  
"They were making babies!" laughed one kid.  
  
"Yeah! And one of the babies looked at me!" said another kid.  
  
Logan slowly got to his feet, untucking his shirt to cover the wet spot. He started to back away. Kelly and Jenny just stood in the corner grinning triumphantly. Hose-eye stared on with a frown on his face and his arms crossed.  
  
"Logan! How dare you take advantage of these sweet, innocent women!" scolded Gaylops, "I think you owe these women an apology."  
  
"WHAT???" said Logan in surprise, "They've been the ones chasing and fondling me! I think that they owe ME an apology."  
  
"Niggaplease," Kelly said, with a disgusted look on her face.  
  
Jenny spoke up. "You say that now, but you were all for it before pre- splooging all over my nice new pants," she said with a hint of fake tears, "You used us.sob."  
  
Kelly held Jenny as she cried on her shoulder.  
  
The crowd sympathized with the fakers.um.I mean girls.  
  
"You girls are spending the night here," said Gaylops firmly, "I insist. It's the least we could do for you. You've been through so much already! "  
  
The evil girls nodded their heads eagerly. Jenny started to laugh like Dr. Evil.  
  
"Mwahahahahahahahahaha!!"  
  
"Jenny!" whispered Kelly harshly, "Not yet!"  
  
"Oh, oh yeah, ok." said Jenny as she dramatically went back into sad mode.  
  
"Logan," said Eyeball commandingly, "Escort these two to their room now!"  
  
Logan was too damn tired to beat the living eye out of Cloppy. He sighed and waved for them to follow him. As they walked away they heard laughter and giggling.  
  
"We're sorry Logan," said Kelly guiltily.  
  
"Yeah, we didn't mean for it to go that far!" said Jenny, grinning at the thought of the Holy moment.  
  
"Just be quiet," said Logan, annoyed, "You two have really done it this time. Leave me alone!" Logan pushed them in their room and limped off to his room.next door.  
  
"I feel awful." said Kelly, "We went way too far this time. He hates us now!"  
  
"No way!" said Jenny, patting Kelly on the back reassuringly, "He loved every minute of it! What man wouldn't want to be chased by two hot mama's like us?"  
  
"Yeah....no."  
  
Gurgle gurglegggorrgler, hwaghck tooey  
  
Kelly plastered her ear to the wall, but Jenny did her one better. She had a cup to her ear.  
  
"I can hear the ocean," Jenny said.  
  
"No, that's not the ocean, that's the damn air runnin' through your ears."  
  
"Shaddup. Logan's gargling! Let's go spy on him!"  
  
"Okie!"  
  
Then they heard the shower start, and all hell broke loose.  
  
A random man (the one heard earlier) said: "All rise for the Logan anthem."  
  
Jenny and Kelly stood up proudly and removed their baseball caps.  
  
"Oh, say can you smell, Logan's testosterone, What so proudly we hailed at the manhood's last splooging Whose broad chest and bright eyes, through the glistening of sweat, O'er the biceps we watched, were so gallantly flexing? And the claws flashing at us, the eyebrows raising in air, Gave proof through the night that our Logan was still there. O say, does that Wolverine yet wave O'er the land of the Genuine Jockey and the home of the nude?"  
  
"GET NEKKID!" yelled Jenny. Then another song began to play to honor Logan.  
  
O beautiful for spacious abs, For chocolate waves of hair, For nipple mountain majesties Above the fruited groin! Logan! Logan! Let us fondle thee And crown thy good with manhood From cheek to shining cheek!  
  
O beautiful for Logan feet Whose gaze that makes us swoon, A thoroughfare for freedom beating Across the wilderass! Logan! Logan! You are God, without flaw Confirm our soul in self-control, Thy manhood is our law!  
  
O beautiful for hero proved, in shirtlessness Who more than self the JennyKelly loved And mercy more than life! (Let us be your wife!) Logan! Logan! May God thy ass make fine (too late) Till all dat ass be nibbleness And every curve divine!  
  
O beautiful for Logan dreams That sees beyond the clothes Thine alabaster cheeks must gleam Undimmed by spanklings! Logan! Logan! God let him have sex with me And crown thy good with manhood From cheek to shining cheek!  
  
O beautiful for hazel eyes, For chocolate waves of hair, For nipple mountain majesties Above the hairy chested plain! Logan! Logan! God please let him moon me Till abs wax fair as earth and air And music-hearted me!  
  
O beautiful for Logan's feet, Whose ass is better than the rest (hell yeah mofo!) A thoroughfare for freedom beating Across the wilderass! Logan! Logan! God shed his ass to me Till hands be wrought through wilds of eyebrow By Logan's foot and penie!  
  
O beautiful for holy ass Of liberating undies When once and twice, for man's splooge We ravished him all night! Logan! Logan! God bare his ass to me Till mannish rain no longer stain The panties of the free!  
  
O beautiful for Logan dreams That sees beyond the ears Thine alabaster cheeks do gleam Undimmed by spanklings! Logan! Logan! God let him fondle me! Till nobler men splooge once again Thy whiter jubilee!  
  
Random man: "Please be seated."  
  
Jenny and Kelly were out of breath.  
  
"Hey, shut up, asses, I can hear you over here, and it's really, really gross," yelled Logan, banging on the wall.  
  
"We love you, Logan!" Jenny yelled back.  
  
"You complete me!" Kelly said.  
  
Jenny leaned against the wall to better hear Logan in the shower. Suddenly, there was a crunch, and Jenny fell through the wall.  
  
"O hell naw." Kelly pushed Jenny all the way into the room. "Shhhhhhhhh! Let's surprise him," she said.  
  
"Let's hide!" Jenny said, and jumped under the covers of the bed.  
  
"Like he's not going to see you there, Lumpy."  
  
"So? That's the point, ass."  
  
"So, he'll skewer your ass."  
  
"Ohyeah." Jenny got out from under the covers and hid under the bed. Her feet were hanging out the back.  
  
"C'mon now. First of all, that's the FIRST place he's going to look, and secondly, YOUR DAMN FEET ARE HANGING OUT!"  
  
"Ohyeah." She pulled her gargantuan feet under the bed, but kicked a lamp too. It fell over with a crash.  
  
"What the hell was that?" Logan yelled. He came out dressed only in a towel.  
  
Jenny's head poked out from under the bed and stared. Her jaw was on the floor.  
  
Kelly was bent over, picking up the lamp, and froze half way up.  
  
"O helllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll muthafuckin naw," both girls chorused.  
  
Logan looked down and saw his lack of clothing. He tried to make a mad dash for the bathroom. He got all of two steps before being tackled. The towel came off, and he managed to wiggle away and hide behind a plant.  
  
"Damn! Can I get a rewind?" Kelly said.  
  
"Missed it again, damn you, elusive manhood!" said Jenny.  
  
"Can you two help a brother out and hand me the towel?"  
  
"C'mon, now. You oughta know better than that," said Kelly.  
  
"Really. That's like asking us to clothe Logan."  
  
Kelly just gave her an odd ass look. "Shut up."  
  
"Ummmm...So, how about this rain we've been having?"  
  
"You mean the rain in your pants?" Jenny asked.  
  
"That's what I was thinking."  
  
Jenny jumped onto the bed and lay there seductively. "Do I make you horny baby? Do I? Do I make you randy? Yeah!" "Geeeeeeeeeeez, leemee alone!" Logan pleaded. Logan turned back to Kelly, hoping for some luck there. And he almost shit his pants at what he saw.  
  
Kelly was standing there in fishnet stockings, a black leather mini skirt, a black leather tube top, whore red lipstick, and a cigarette hanging off her lip. She put her leg up on the bed.  
  
"Zo, do you vanna hump me?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I zaid, 'do zhou vanna hump me?' Vell? Vhat iz your anzer?"  
  
"Two bit Russian gutter slut!" complimented Jenny.  
  
"Zhank zhou!"  
  
"Ok, it got weird," said Logan, backing towards his towel. He snatched it.  
  
Kelly got so pissed, she ate her candy cigarette.  
  
"To think I wasted a perfectly good Austin Powers quote on you, Logan. I'm ashamed. Ingrate!" Jenny yelled.  
  
"Yeah, really. Do you like men or something?" asked Kelly, back in normal wear.  
  
"I mean, c'mon. Us two beautiful womens? Don't you find either of us attractive?" asked JenJen.  
  
"Even after we made you cream your jeans?"  
  
"I'm never gonna live that down am I?"  
  
"No, nah, uh-uh, never, nope, non, nopey, noper, hell muthafuckin naw, heeeellll nawwwwww!"  
  
Just then, Baldy decided he was going to join the fun. He wheeled in the room like he owned the damn place. Oh, wait a minute, he does  
  
"Logan, I washed your soiled pants. Those stains were a bitch! Oh, I'm sorry you have company. I'll leave you alone."  
  
"Nononononononono, please, stay awhile."  
  
"You bastard!" yelled the two girls. They ran forward and pushed Baldy's ass down the hall as hard as they could.  
  
"Not again! I know where this is going!"  
  
Jean stepped out and declared, "I'll stop you, Professor!" She stuck a stick in his spokes.  
  
"Noo, Jean, noooooo!" The chair stopped, but Baldy didn't. He flew all the way across the school, and turned corners too, just to get to Cereblo.  
  
"Welcome, Sex Addict," said Cereblo's computer voice.  
  
"Mother fuuuUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKKKEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Kerplop! Bald on metal rang throughout the school, once again.  
  
"What now?"  
  
"HUUUHHH? IIIIIII CAAAAANNN'TTTTT HHHEEEAAAAARRRRR YYOOOOUUUUUU!"  
  
"YOU FELL DOWN THE WELL AGAIN, I KNOW!"  
  
"AAWWWWW MMMAAAAANNNN, IIIIIII WWWAAAANNNNTTTEEEDDDD TOOOO SAAAAAYYY TTTHHHHHAAATTT!"  
  
~End Part 10 


	11. Chapter 11

Part 11, Can't stop reading it, huh?  
  
Logan finally got the two girls to go back to their own room. He was so tired that he immediately fell to sleep. His snores could be heard throughout the school. Jenny and Kelly were doing anything but sleeping.  
  
"Are you sure that this is a good idea Kelly?" asked Jenny, "I mean, this looks sort of dangerous."  
  
"Do you wanna molest Logan or not?" replied Kelly, "This won't be that bad."  
  
"Okay, if you say so." said Jenny, "I guess it's ok cuz Tom Cruise did it."  
  
The girls popped open the vent in their room and started to crawl into it. It was cob webby and dirty.  
  
"Keeeeeelly!" whined Jenny, "This is gross! I just did my hair all nice to impress Logan and now it's all mussed."  
  
Kelly rolled her eyes and ignored Jenny's crying. They could see a light at the end of the vent. It also started to smell like Logan. The girls breathed in deep but only got a lungful of grime.  
  
"Hawwwackk kkkah kkkkaahhh!"  
  
"Yaaaaaccccccckkkkcchhhhooooieeeee!"  
  
Logan stirred slightly in his sleep, causing his sheet to uncover his chest.  
  
"Ssssshhhhhhhhhhh!" shushed the two girls at one another.  
  
On the other side of the vent in Logan's room, they carefully unscrewed the bolts to the metal plate. Kelly quietly moved the metal plate behind them and the planned their entrance.  
  
"How are we gonna get down?" asked Jenny as she watched Logan sleep.  
  
"Okay, I think I have a plan," said Kelly wisely. She booted Jenny out of the vent with her foot. Jenny fell to the floor below with a thud.  
  
Jenny lay there like a piece of soggy macanoni....errr....I mean macaroni.  
  
"Well, c'mon, get up. Or are you just gonna lay there like a slug?"  
  
"Shuddup. You kicked me and it hurt, hooker."  
  
"Niggaplease. I didn't kick you that hard. It was a love tap."  
  
Jenny grumbled and stood up. "Ok, your turn. Jump down and I'll catch you."  
  
Kelly looked at her friend.  
  
"Well, I mean I'll TRY to catch you. Just jump!" Jenny held her arms out.  
  
Kelly jumped.  
  
Jenny moved........the fuck out of the way.  
  
Kelly landed face down on the floor. She looked like a pancake. Jenny roared with laughter.  
  
"Shurghsffdf," Kelly mumbled, face pressed into the floor.  
  
"What?"  
  
Kelly lifted her head slowly, checking for broken bones. "I said, SHUT UP!"  
  
A slight pause. "Ok."  
  
Logan moaned in his sleep. "thong...enny...kel.......hooong"  
  
"The fuck?" Kelly asked, staring at Logan.  
  
"Ummm....yeah. I think he's dreaming about us."  
  
Logan shifted to one side of the bed. An invitation if they ever saw one. Kelly was the first to move, but Jenny kicked her in shin.  
  
"Eeehhhh!" Kelly started flapping her hands at Jenny.  
  
"You queer, stop hitting me like that!" She did the same thing back to Kelly.  
  
By this time, both were kneeling on the bed, facing each other, and hitting each other. Logan chose that moment to roll back over. One of his arms flung and hit Jenny in the nose. She was.....knocked the shit out! She rolled off the bed and onto the floor.  
  
Meanwhile, poor Kelly's legs were squished underneath Logan's manliness.  
  
"Eeehhhhh," she whined. "Jenny?" A moan from the vicinity of the floor told Kelly that there was no help coming from her.  
  
"Purple horseshoes, pink hearts, blue moons, green clovers, yellow stars, buckets o' Logan, and don't forget me red balloons.....Doo doodoo dodo they're magically Hughlicious!" Jenny said, and then passed out again.  
  
8 HOURS LATER  
  
"Yaaawnnn," Logan said as he stretched the sleep out. He felt something lumpy  
  
"Good morning, sunshine! Have a nice looooooong snooze? Thanks for crushing the fuck outta my damn legs! You knocked poor Jenny the hell out, and she kept muttering some nonsense about Lucky Charms. I had to listen to that bullshit alllllll night," said Kelly, all pissed off.  
  
"I'm sorry! I didn't know you were there," Logan said, apologetically, but there was this shit eating grin on his face.  
  
Kelly just looked at him for about a minute. Neither one of them moved.  
  
"Well? You just gonna lay there, or are you gonna GET THE FUCK OFF MY LEGS?"  
  
"Ooops, sorry." He rolled over, and Kelly fell out of the bed, unable to move.  
  
"I'm paralyzed! I've fallen, and I can't get up!"  
  
"Welcome to my world, sister," Jenny said. Kelly turned her head and came nose to nose with Jenny.  
  
"Ain't dis a mu-ah fucka?"  
  
Logan swung out of bed and stepped over the two down for the count girls. He went to the cabinet and busted out with a bowl of Lucky Charms. He started chucking the little frosted oat pieces at them.  
  
"C'mon! If you're going to be an asshole, at least throw the marshmallows at us!" Kelly complained. Logan took a swig of milk, and then spit it out at them from between his top teeth and his lower lip. "Pssssst."  
  
"Come on now! Hook a brotha up! Pass me a green clover!" Jenny shouted.  
  
Kelly shielded her eyes from the torturous scene before her.  
  
Logan fired a clover at Jenny and it hit her dead in the eye. "I'm blind! Oh, the Hugh-manity! I can only see half of you now, but it's a damn good half!" Logan fired a balloon at her and hit Jenny in the other eye. "Heeeyyy! No fair! Everything's dark, I can't see.....Am I dying? Help me! Kelly? Logan? I can't see, blaahahhhh, I'm dyyyyiinnnggg, bllahh"  
  
Jenny started to slap her own face. "Soooo hungry." Her hands traveled to the floor and picked up a few of the nasty oat pieces. "Marshmallows? No?" Her hands touched something. "Hey. I've got something here. It's not cereal, but it's magically delicious......aaaghhhhgghhhh, lllleeeeegggg, Thhhiiiighhhhh. Boooxxxxxeerrrrsss. Luuummmpppp. LUMP?!" Jenny's hands had made their way up Logan's leg. "What the hell is this?" Jenny screeched, squeezing the mysterious object. "What wonders lurk inside?"  
  
Logan kicked her away. "What kicked me?"  
  
"The leg that's attached to the lump that you is molesting. Now git off!"  
  
"I....was touching...it? The 'it'? Holyyyyy sshhheeeiiittt! Never washing these hands again!" She started to caress her own hands. "Ahhhhggghhghg, Logan Unit."  
  
"That is soooo not fair! Here I am, lying on the floor, unable to move, and you get to molest Logan? I'm whoopin' yo' ass when we get out of this, Jenny."  
  
"Huh? I thought 'it' was a long john or some shit. I was gonna eat it!"  
  
Logan ran to the bathroom and started to wash his face, leaving the two helpless girls to fend for themselves.  
  
"Hey! Come back here! Can you at least leave the door open when you shower?" Kelly asked.  
  
"I'm not taking a shower. I took one last night. Now, I'm going to go find Rogue. Are you guys going to behave? Or do I have to get Scott in here to baby-sit?"  
  
"If we don't behave, are you going to spank us? Cuz I mean, if that's the case, then I intend to be bad as FUCK!" Jenny said.  
  
Logan gave her a look that said "Niggaplease." But unfortunately, Jenny didn't see it.  
  
"What are you wearing, Logan?" asked the blind Jenny.  
  
"He's wearing nothin' at all, nothin' at all."  
  
"Stop tormenting me! Are you serious?"  
  
"Would I lie about that shit? Never mind, don't answer that. Oooooo he's letting me stroke it!"  
  
"No way! C'mon, Kelly, let me at 'em!"  
  
"You're right, it does kinda feel like a long john!"  
  
"Oh no! Don't eat it! At least save some for me!"  
  
The girls were so intent on harassing each other that they didn't notice when  
  
Logan snuck out.  
  
Kelly looked up. "Muthaa fuucckkkaa!"  
  
"You fuckin' dog!"  
  
"Shut the fuck up!"  
  
"Git over here bitch!"  
  
"Ahhhh daaammmnnn!"  
  
"I'm gonna make you walk the fuckin plank!"  
  
"C'mere mother fucker!"  
  
Both girls jumped to their feet. Kelly was strengthened by thought of chasing Logan's manhood again, and Jenny was still blind, but once the sugar got out of her eyes she'd be all right.  
  
~End part 11 


	12. Chapter 12

Part 12....We love to see how much our stories improve!!  
  
LOCATION: SOMEWHERE IN THE X-MANSION  
  
Charlie Brown somehow managed to climb out of Cereblo. He was covered in the usual feminine product garb, tampons and pads.  
  
"Dammit Jean!" yelled the Bald One, "I told you! Shoot your nastified shit in the dumpster behind the damn school! Cereblo is NOT your own personal waste receptacle!!"  
  
Logan entered the room and started to wash his face off.  
  
"Sorry Professor," said Jean, walking quickly out of the room with a trash can full of tampons and pads. She headed again for Cereblo.  
  
"Baldy, we have to find out where they took Fat Ass Marie!" said Logan, drying his face off with a towel. "You said that he wanted me, for my adamantium and steel ass," continued Logan angrily, throwing the used towel over Baldy's head.  
  
"I made a terrible mistake......I couldn't see what he was after until the last minute. Somehow Magayto's helmet blocked my Baldwaves..I'm sorry," said the Professor sadly, spit shining his head with the towel.  
  
Logan looked really pissed off, but soon his frown turned upside down when Scott came in the room dragging Jenny and Kelly behind him by the ears. He actually smiled.  
  
"Professor, I found these two troublemakers in my room painting "eyes" on all my stuff," said Eyeclops, pissed off. "They also cut a large hole in the back of every skirt that Jean owns!!"  
  
"You two again, eh?" said Baldy, wheeling closer for a better look, "What brought you both here? Do you wish to enroll or something?"  
  
They both stared at Logan and winked.  
  
"Now that you mention it.YES!!" said Jenny and Kelly at the same time.  
  
"Yeah, but only if Logan teaches some of the classes butt ass nekkid!" said Kelly.  
  
"Then I'd really pay attention in class," said Jenny, "Oh, and there would definitely have to be some "hands on" type activities."  
  
"This school is really just for mutants but...I may be able to make an exception in your cases," said Bald-Squeaker, "You both need some guidance.and Logan is a good role model for you."  
  
"Yes, yes he is," said Jenny eagerly.  
  
"Seeing him shirtless is an inspiration to us both," said Kelly, agreeing with Jenny,  
  
"As a matter of fact, because of him we wrote a song!"  
  
"Oooooo," giggled the Professor excitedly, "I'd just love to hear it!"  
  
"Um...no, no you don't," warned Logan, "Oh God, please don't let them sing about me!!!!"  
  
But it was too late. Jenny bopped Blinky on the head and he let go of their ears.  
  
"AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A THREE......HERE WE GO!!!"  
  
Jenny busted out with a guitar and Kelly took the drum. (the professor offered to be their drum. Seeing that his head is so hollow and round, he'd be perfect as a percussion instrument)  
  
Logan put his head down, embarrassed. Scotty Dog on the other hand was enjoying this. He liked to see Logan humiliated.....not to mention wet.  
  
The music started!  
  
(Set the music of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)  
  
Is this the real Logan? Is this just nakedness? Caught in a splooge-slide No escape from Loganity We opened our eyes Looked down to the groin and see You're not just a poor boy, you need no sympathy Because you easily come, easy go A little high, little low Anyway a hooker blows, doesn't really matter to you, to you  
  
Mama, just fucked a Logan Put a penie against my head I pulled his trigger, now he's spent Mama, erection had just begun But now I've gone and made it rubbery Mama, sploooooge Didn't mean to make you cry If you're not back up again this time tomorrow Niggaplease, niggaplease, cuz that shit really matters  
  
Too late, your time has come Sends shivers down our spines Body's aching for Logan all the time Hello everybody - I've got a man (what a man!) Gotta knock you all the fuck out, cuz daaaammn Mama, splooooge - (Logan is so sexyyy) I don't want to leave your side I sometimes wish there were 80 of you in all  
  
I see a big muthafuckin silhouetto of a Logan grab the cheeks, grab the cheeks will you do the horizontal tango Wolverine and speedos- very very enlightening me Cuz damn, niggaplease, Cuz damn, niggaplease Cuz damn, niggaplease-magnificeennntt  
  
But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me He's the finest mofo in the whole family Give us his life and we'll fuck him nightly Easy come easy go, woohoo look at it go Jen-nyKe-lly! Hell no - we will not let you go chain him up Jen-nyKe-lly! We will not let you go chain him up Jen-nyKe-lly! We will not let you go chain him up Will not let you go - chain me up (no way!) Never let you go - let me go Never let me go - splooooge No, no, no, no, no, no, no - Oh mama Jenny, mama Kelly, mama Jenny, let me go Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me for me for me  
  
So you think you can molest me and leave me all spent So you think you can fondle me and leave me to masturbate Oh Logan - can't do this to me Logan Just gotta fuck youjust gotta fuck you right outta here  
  
splooooooooooooooooooooooooge  
  
Ooh yeah, ooh yeah Logan really matters anyone can see Logan really matters - Logan really matters to uussssss  
  
Anyway the Kelly blows...  
  
At the last note, Jenny and Kelly bowed. The professor applauded feverishly.  
  
"Bravo!! Bravo!!" he yelled, throwing roses at their feet. The top of Baldy's head was all red and sore from the beating he received. He collapsed, but no one cared.  
  
"Wow, that was wonderful," complimented Gaylops, also clapping.  
  
Logan was nowhere to be seen. Jenny and Kelly searched the entire room. Neither one of the girls had seen him leave the room. Hmmmm.  
  
"Dammit! I know he didn't disappear again!" said Kelly angrily.  
  
"Well, he's gotta be somewhere in this room," said Jenny.  
  
"Looooooogan! Come out come out wherever you are!" yelled Kelly.  
  
"I know! I'll just use my secret weapon!" said Jenny, a light bulb appearing above her head. :BING:  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Magnetic crotch hold!"  
  
Logan flew out from behind Baldy's glare and right into Jenny's arms. The two rolled around on the floor together, mainly cuz of Jenny's stupid ass trying to get him under her. She finally succeeded.  
  
"Hahaha! I have you now!" she said triumphantly.  
  
"Oh no you don't!" Kelly yelled, kicking Jenny in the side. Logan got up and ran out the door, locking it behind him. He left the two girls with the professor, hoping he could do something about their rampant sexual urges.  
  
"Where are you going?" asked a fake ass African accent behind him.  
  
"I'm going to find Rogue the traditional way: look," he said sternly.  
  
"You can't go alone."  
  
"Why not? Ya know, Magayto's right, there's a war coming. Are you sure you're on the right side?"  
  
"At least I've chosen a side," Storm said with oodles of attitude. She also gave him a bitchy look.  
  
Logan just blew her off. "Yeah, what the fuck ever with your piss poor accent," he walked away.  
  
When he got to the front door, he noticed a peculiar odor. It almost smelled like...chicken. He opened the door and saw something he hoped never to see again.  
  
It was a man, or at least he hoped it was a man, and he was just standing there breathing quite heavily.  
  
"Ah need to see Dr. Jean Grey. But first, where's your shitter? Ah've got a turtle head pokin' out."  
  
Logan just kept right on staring.  
  
"Ach, Christ, Ah'm gettin' all emotional from it."  
  
Just then Logan saw Scott in the hallway. He slammed the door in the fat bastard's face.  
  
"Hey, Gaylo-I mean Scott, there's someone at the door for you!"  
  
~End part 12 


	13. Chapter 13

Part 13  
  
"Ooooooh! I hope it's my new rainbow colored visor," giggled Clopster eagerly, skipping gaily to the door. He swung it open, took one glance, and slammed that shit shut.  
  
"Uh........," he stammered, his face turning really pale, "Orooooooooro! There's someone at the door to see you I think!" Then he ran away to find somewhere to throw up. Logan stood in a corner sniggering at the lame-o.  
  
"Hehe," he laughed, "Loser."  
  
Ororo walked calmly to the door and opened it too. "Ahhhhh," she said happily, grabbing Fatty by the hand and leading him inside, "You were supposed to be here half an hour ago! Jean can't wait to see you strip! I love the costume too!"  
  
"Uhhh" said Senator Kelly while making an odd face, "I have ta make a wee pit stop first. I got a crap on deck that could choke a donkey!"  
  
"The bathroom is the third door on the right. Meet us in the living room. We'll be waiting!" said Ororo, walking away.  
  
The Senator went barreling down the hall like an obese freight train, only bigger. Once he found the bathroom, he shut and locked the door and started to do his business.  
  
Meanwhile, Baldy was still locked in his office with Jenny and Kelly. They had tried every possible exit, but found no way out. Baldy decided to make the best of their predicament. Jenny and Kelly were slumped moodily in the corner, cussing every possible cuss created.  
  
"So, ladies." said the professor cheerfully, "How about we talk about your obsession with Logan?"  
  
At the mention of Logan's name, the two immediately looked up.  
  
"Logan?? Where where??"  
  
"Point that hunk of man out dammit!"  
  
"No no no," said Baldy, "He's not here, but let's discuss your feelings for him. I may be able to help."  
  
Jenny and Kelly grumpily got up and stomped over to where Pumpkin Head was wheeling..errrr.......sitting. They sat down on a couch that was facing him.  
  
"Ok, first off," started Baldy, clapping his hands together, "Why do you like him?"  
  
"I know I know!" yelled Kelly, waving her hand around frantically, "Pick me! C'mon!"  
  
The professor scanned the room, looking past Kelly to Jenny, who was looking at one of Logan's hairs intently. "Hmmmmm..let's see.........Jenny, why don't you answer the question?"  
  
Jenny looked up and started to blush. She got all nervous and shit, just like in school when a kid is called on to answer a question. "Um......um.......um.," Jenny said, looking wildly around, "Ass is the answer I think?"  
  
"Ok" said the Professor slowly, looking at her weird, "So, the reason that you like Logan so much is....'Ass'."  
  
Jenny nodded her head.  
  
"I'll have to agree with that," said Kelly, patting Jenny on the back for the wonderful answer, "He does have a really nice ass."  
  
"Good for him, second question," continued Baldy, "Why do you think he tries to get away from you?"  
  
"That's easy," said Kelly, "We try to fondle and molest him whenever we can, but one day he'll learn to enjoy it!"  
  
"Yeah," added Jenny, "Like the time he "really" enjoyed it."  
  
Both girls started to giggle and prod each other.  
  
"By that you are referring to the stained jean incident, correct?" asked the Professor.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Can I give you my personal opinion?" asked the Bald One.  
  
"Probably not." said Jenny, totally uninterested.  
  
"Too bad," he said annoyed, "I think.................."  
  
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWNNNN." Kelly busted out with a long ass yawn, interrupting the Professor.  
  
"You know what I really think?!" yelled Baldavier, "I think that you both are rude, selfish, evil girls that need to be severely beaten with metal rods! That's my personal opinion! Logan would have to be totally out of his damn mind to ever be interested in either of you romantically or socially! You both have potty mouths, constantly start fights, lust over men you barely know, and make fun of my baldness in every fricken' sentence! Go to hell Powers!" The Professor fell back, breathing heavily. He had never been so upset in his entire life of baldness. Jenny and Kelly just grinned at him and began to laugh their fool asses off.  
  
"Whatever you say Mr. Bobber!"  
  
"Go polish yourself again! You missed a spot on your 52 acre fo' head."  
  
"Why don't you and your orange shaped head go make some Tropicana or something?"  
  
"Holy shit Kelly! That paper weight just talked to us!"  
  
"HAHAHAHA!! His head looks like the moon!"  
  
"Yeah, all he needs is a flag poked into his Snowball!"  
  
"Ok you two, very funny, HA HA HA," said the Professor, not at all amused.  
  
"Um...........we're not done yet Bulby."  
  
"Speaking of rude, interrupting much!"  
  
"Ok, where were we..oh yeah! Snowball."  
  
"Oh Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me!!"  
  
"Time for tubby toast. Time for tubby toast! Run! It's a floating Xavier shaped tubby toast!"  
  
"Ok! That's enough!" Baldy was just about to lay the smack down when a foul stench filled the room.  
  
"Jeeeeeeeesus!!' shouted Kelly, pinching her nose, "What in the name of UnGodly fuck is that damn smell??" Kelly heard a loud thump and turned around and looked down. Jenny passed............you guessed it, the fuck out!!  
  
Baldy also passed out. But do you really care about that guy? Jenny is the number one priority right now dammit!  
  
Kelly started to holler for help. Someone began to pound on the office door and then 3 claws ripped through the wood. "I'm coming!" yelled Logan, "Just hold on!!"  
  
Kelly began to feel weak now. She slowly sank down to the ground and passed out.  
  
Logan tore the door the hell away from its hinges and ran across the room. He broke a window open with his fist to get the gals some air. The room still stunk, but at least the air was semi-breathable.  
  
Kelly opened her eyes slowly. Logan was holding her head up. "Are you alright?" he asked softly, caressing her face.  
  
"I'm fine now," said Kelly grinning, then she looked at her friend's limp form and became hysterical, "Oh God! Jenny is still passed out! Help her Logan. I don't want to lose my friend!"  
  
Logan didn't need to be told twice. The last thing that he wanted was Jenny or Kelly to be injured. Logan kneeled down next to Jenny and checked for a pulse. She wasn't breathing.  
  
"I have to give her mouth to mouth," said Logan quickly, "After I give her air, pump her chest."  
  
ER type music played in the background. DADADADA DA DOO DA, DADADADA DA DOO DA!  
  
Logan tilted Jenny's head back and pressed his mouth to hers, but before he could give her air, her right hand rose up and held on to the back of his head, she smooched him Bugs Bunny style. He got off her and saw her mad grin.  
  
"If that's the way you treat patients," said Jenny, still grinning cheesily, "Then you can be my Doc any day!"  
  
Kelly was about to kick some ass. Logan was still in shock.  
  
"That was NOT funny," yelled Kelly, wiping a tear away from her cheek, "I thought that you were really hurt!"  
  
Logan stood staring at nothing in particular. It was like he was paralyzed or something.  
  
"Kiisssssss............." was all he could get out. Kelly smacked him in the head.  
  
"Snap out of it already!"  
  
"Who? What? Where?" he said, confused, "Sorry, my mind went totally blank."  
  
Jenny stood up and dusted herself off. "My kisses have that effect on most men."  
  
"Yeah," said Kelly, "That's because you smear crack on your lips, whore!"  
  
"What was that smell?" asked Jenny, "It really did knock me the fuck out."  
  
"I dunno, but I aims ta' find out! C'mon Jenny, to the Batcave......er I mean....uh....nevermind," Kelly said, while pulling out two random gas masks.  
  
"Hey, where did those come from?" asked Jenny.  
  
"My ass, okay? Why do you ask so many goddamn questions?" Kelly snapped for no reason.  
  
"Geez, calm down, hooker," Jenny said with a frown.  
  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have yelled at you, it's just that, well, I guess I'm not really with it today."  
  
"It's okay, Kel. I forgive you. Now, let's find out where that horrible smell is coming from."  
  
"I'm glad you understand." The two walked out of the room, leaving Logan (my God!) to fend for Wheelie. "Hey, did you just call me Kel?"  
  
"Ummmmm, no.........that was Logan. Speaking of which, where is he? We can't just leave him here all alone," Jenny said, walking back.  
  
"He's with me, girls. No need to fear," said Glare Master 5000.  
  
"Niggaplease. Come on Logan," said Kelly, finding another gas mask for him.  
  
The trio walked down the hallway, not knowing what to expect. They were getting closer to the source of the smell, so close that they could almost taste it.  
  
"Plah plah," sputtered Jenny, spitting, "The air tastes like ass just broke loose and ran around the room!" "How do you know what ass tastes like?" asked Kelly, laughing. "Um.....no comment." replied Jenny, putting her gas mask on. Kelly and Logan did the same.  
  
Logan started to breath like Darth Vader for some screwy reason. "Keeeeer heeeee keeeeer heeeee. Luke.....I am your father" Then he started rollin'.  
  
"Awwwwww," sighed Kelly, "He's so cute!"  
  
'Logan, Logan....." said Jenny, trying to pull him up off the ground, "LOGAN! Get up already!!"  
  
He quickly got up and became his usual serious self. "Sorry about that."  
  
"Whatever." said both girls.  
  
The smell was becoming stronger. The trio turned a corner and entered the school living room. All the X-People were in there, trying to party. Jean had on a birthday hat and was opening some gifts. Gaylops, evidently feeling better, pranced over to where Logan, Jenny, and Kelly were standing.  
  
"Hey guys! Come on in and have some cake or something!" said Gayster giddily, "Hey Kelly. Wanna dance?"  
  
"Um........I'd rather eat a block of rat poison and have sex with Fat Bastard," said Kelly, turning down the Gayman.  
  
"Ok, maybe later," said Cyke, not getting a word that she said.  
  
"If you ever either girl to dance again," growled Logan, "I'll stab off what little bit of dick you have!"  
  
Scott's united-brow went up and he backed away. "Sorry! Sorry!" he said, putting his hands up defensively, "My mistake. Just please don't hurt me!"  
  
The air in the room was clear so the three took off their masks.  
  
"Do you wanna dance Logan?" asked Kelly, batting her eyelashes.  
  
"Not particularly." replied Logan.  
  
"Aw, c'mon," begged Kelly, grabbing his hand and leading him to the dance floor.  
  
"Fine," Logan grudgingly said, giving in, "Wait here for us Jenny."  
  
Jenny looked really sad and alone. She kicked at an imaginary rock, stuffed her hands into her pockets moodily, and then decided to go and burn some of Jean's gifts. It would take her mind off Logan for a bit.  
  
Before she could reach the gift table, Scotch Guard stepped in front of her.  
  
"Would you care to dance purty lady?" he asked, bowing.  
  
"No thanks," said Jenny, looking over Scott's shoulder to the pile of flammable presents. "I'm sort of busy right now. Go blow your girlfriend or something."  
  
"Let's go dance," continued Clops, getting pushy. "I want a young girl, not an 85 year old grizzled granny like Jean. Please!"  
  
Jenny could see he had been drinking before.  
  
He snatched her hand and dragged her out to the dance floor.  
  
"I said leave me alone!"  
  
"No, we're going to boogie down!............Rocky road, eh heh!"  
  
"Let me go! Ow! You're hurting my hand!"  
  
"Do you want to go somewhere more private? Like my bedroom?"  
  
"NOOOO!! Get away from me! You smell like fishes!!"  
  
That one-eyed bastard clung tight to Jenny, wrapping his arm around her waist. She was struggling to get away, but he was pretty strong for a wimp ass.  
  
Meanwhile, Logan and Kelly were ballroom dancing on the other side of the room while Jenny was trying to escape from the evil Headlight.  
  
Kelly found a long, elegant white gown and Logan was decked out in a sexy black tux. They waltzed around the room, laughing and having a good time. They totally forgot about Jenny. Logan put a rose in his mouth and the two began to tango.  
  
"Wow," whispered Logan, "This is more fun than I thought it would be."  
  
"Sure is," said Kelly softly, laying her head on Logan's shoulder.  
  
Jenny was forced to dance with Unieye slowly. He kept feeling her up. She had the most disgusted look on her face and she squirmed and wiggled to get away.  
  
"Ok, we danced, now lemme go!" yelled Jenny angrily.  
  
"I'm not done yet."  
  
"I don't give a holy ass if you're done or not!"  
  
"You have no choice. Just go with the flow."  
  
Jenny prayed that her steel bat would magically appear in her hand, but that damn David Copperfield never helped her out. Ass.  
  
Not only was Scott ugly, he also had a bad case of ffffttttt breath.  
  
"Can you just stop breathing for a few minutes?" asked Jenny, trying not to inhale, "Your breath smells like vodka mixed with a pile of shit roasting in a microwave. Or a toilet that wasn't flushed."  
  
"That's not nice. Let's go." He pulled her towards the door, being careful to avoid Saggin' Hag Jean.  
  
"Where are you taking me??" asked Jenny, her voice shaking, "If you let me go I may have a tic tac with your name on it! That's a good exchange. Mmmm...minty fresh!"  
  
"We're going to my love pad."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! LOGAN HELP ME!!!" screamed Jenny wildly.  
  
Scott managed to pull her out into the hallway. He slapped her in the face and then was about to force his corroded herpes infected lips on her when Logan stepped out. And boy did he look pissed, and scary, and mad, and um.........scary.  
  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Logan roared.  
  
Peeper looked like he was about to shit his damn depends.  
  
"Uhhhh......nothing.ma ma me and Jenny were just ga ga going for a stroll in the hall.............." he stuttered madly, looking for an escape route.  
  
Logan walked over to him and pulled Jenny away from Piss Pants. He looked at her red cheek and then looked back at Scott. Then all Logan broke loose. He started to punch Scooter in the stomach reeeeeeal damn hard. Then he smashed his fist into Cyke's face. Logan was about to stab the living ant farm outta him when Jean ran in front of Logan. That didn't matter to Logan. He just began to beat her down too.  
  
Kelly handed Jenny a napkin with ice inside to put on her sore cheek. They watched Logan in fascination.  
  
"Look at the way his back muscles ripple as he punches Jean's deflated shabadoos!"  
  
"Yeah, and the way his fist fits exactly in Cyke's face. Amazing!"  
  
Logan grabbed one of Jean's limp, saggin' to the floor breasts and swung her around. He spun her faster and faster until he let her go. She flew out an open window and landed on the school's lawn roughly. Now it was Flashlight's turn again. He crouched in a corner and held up his hands. His nose was bleeding and he was all bruised.  
  
"Please Logan," whined Cyke, "Have mercy."  
  
"Um......................................................................... ," said Logan, putting his hand on his fuzzy chin and scratching thoughtfully, "........................................nah" He continued to batter and hurt Clops.  
  
Jenny knew it was enough. She went forward and put her hand on Logan's arm. "That's enough, Logan," said Jenny, pulling his Scott Mangling hands away. I think he learned his lesson, plus he's drunk."  
  
"No one smacks on mi amigo and gets away with it," yelled Kelly running forward swinging a bat. She whacked Clops in the head like 30 times. Then she swung one final time with all of her Kelly strength. Cyke was knocked.the fuck across the room!!  
  
He flew into the open door of Cereblo.  
  
"Welcome homo," said the computer voice.  
  
"HHHHEEEEEEEEELLLLOOOOO?? III NEEEEEDDD AAAA RRRROOOOPPEEE!" hollered Gay from the bottom of the well.  
  
Logan slammed the door shut and ignored Cyke.  
  
Jenny rubbed her cheekie. It was better. She felt like burning stuff so that was a good sign.  
  
"Are you ok?" Logan asked anxiously, "I'll kill him if you want. Please say I can kill him."  
  
"No, you don't need to," said Jenny, "I'm fine, and I do mean I'm fine, and sexy, and beautiful and..."  
  
Kelly interrupted, "Shaddup!"  
  
"Ok."  
  
Logan put his hand around both girls protectively and led them back to the party room. It seemed that they all forgot about the mysterious Bog of Eternal Stench Odor.  
  
Jenny went to dance with Logan and Kelly went to hustle some people out of their money. Didn't you all know that Kelly was a professional Carnie and card shark besides being a Hugh Molester? Well it's true. She busted out with a rigged ring toss game. She put on a top hat and had a cane in one hand.  
  
"Step right up, step right up! Try your luck at a game of ring toss! Win a loverly bear for your lady!"  
  
Some people were gathering around.  
  
"You sir, yes you, the cock-eyed brotha. You look like you could win. Why not give it a try and win your shim of a girl a stuffed rat? 5 bucks for 3 rings."  
  
"Ok, sure thing," said the man cockily, his eye wandering also. He handed Kelly the 5 bucks and she handed him the rings.  
  
Meanwhile, Jenny and Logan were dirty dancing Swayze style.  
  
"Um, are you sure we should be dancing this way," asked Logan while grinding his hips into Jenny.  
  
"More grind, less talk," said Jenny, shaking her thang. Back to Kelly now, these two are having too much fun!  
  
~We'll continue this shit in part 14, cuz we already gave you like a million pages for part 13! ~End part 13 


	14. Chapter 14

PART 14...  
  
LOCATION: SCHOOL'S LIVING ROOM  
  
"C'mere, cocky. Here's your rings. Now, all you gotta do is make one ring land over a bottle. If it does, you win a prize! Here, let me show you how it's done. You take the ring, hold it like a frisbee, aim for a bottle and let fly! Not too hard, but not too soft." Kelly threw three rings and they all landed perfectly around a bottle. "Now you try."  
  
The cock-eyed brotha threw the rings. The first one landed in the punch bowl, which was behind him. The second one landed on the professor's head like a hub cap; it spun for like 10 minutes on the flawless surface. Whheeeeeeeeeeeeew! The third one hit Logan dead in the ass.  
  
"What the hell! I said we could dance, not grab my ass!"  
  
"I didn't grab your ass! I'd like to, but I didn't!"  
  
"Jenny, you grabbed my ass, now go away."  
  
Jenny's lip drooped, but she walked towards the door anyways. She had to please her man. When she got to the hallway door, she noticed a chicken smell. Not one to pass up a chicken dinner, she poked her head out the door just to see what she might miss if she left. ::Sniff sniff::  
  
Jenny recoiled, about ready to vom. "Blaaaaaaaaahh. Holy ass breeze has been here!"  
  
"Ach, Ah'm dead sexy! Look at mah sexy bohdy!"  
  
Jenny's jaw hit the floor and her eyes popped out of her head. She froze like a deer in headlights.  
  
"HOLY FUCK FWICKITY FUCK FUCK!" Jenny shouted, stumbling over the words. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF GRIMACE AND HAMBURGLAR ARE YOU!?"  
  
"Ah'm yo' fantahsy!"  
  
"Ew, no, Logan's my fantasy, you're just fat. Ugly. Fat. Fat. Ugly. Fat. Smell bad. Did I mention fat? One other thing: FAT!"  
  
"Ah'm tonight's entahtainment! Ooooo," he said, rolling his nipples, "Ah'm a behlly dancer! Git in mah behlly!" Fat Bastard started to smack his lips, slowly.  
  
"Umm, no you're TWELVE belly dancers. You got the wrong party. I think the circus is throwing a birthday bash for one its elephants, try there."  
  
"Ah'm hehr for Jean Grey."  
  
"Why am I not surprised? Hooker'll spread her legs for anything."  
  
"Noh, abooht mah weight problem."  
  
"It's gonna take more than just one person to fix that, cuz damn."  
  
"Ah'm Senator Kelly."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Senatohr Kehlly!"  
  
"Yeah? Who's that?"  
  
Just then, Jean came in, covered in grass and shit cuz Logan threw her out onto the lawn.  
  
"Oh my Orthotricyclen! Senator Kelly!"  
  
"I need your help. I'm all faht and stinky!" (LOL)  
  
"Well, no shiiiit. What was your first clue? The flies following you? Or how about that paint-eating stench? I mean, your fucking ASS is dragging on the ground! And you have bigger tits than me and Kelly put together! Wear a damn bra, or at least clothes for God's sake! Keeeeeerist! Your bloody boobs are sagging more than those people from Africa...oh, hi Jean! Just talking about you. Anyways, they should change Scotland the Brave to Scotland the Stinky, Obese, and Nasty! I've seen dirty toothless Brits that were cleaner than you, and that's pretty DAMN dirty! I could fry some damn bacon in all that grease leaking off'ya, not to mention run McDonald's for a week! FAT! FATTY McFATFAT! DIRTY McSTINK!"  
  
"What the hell's all this about? Oh, for the love of all that's good and decent, which you are NOT, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU!!? Halloween came early I see. 'Sup Jen."  
  
"Hey Kel."  
  
"You may wanna add a "ly" to that."  
  
"Ohyeah. ASSY McDRAG!"  
  
"This guy puts the Titanic to shame! Who the hell is he?"  
  
"He SAYS he's my fattasy, but...." Jenny looked at Logan. "No."  
  
"Fat assy is right. Fat Assterd. Speaking of terds," Kelly busted out with some Febreeze that she had been saving for Jean's birthday present. She sprayed that shit with a vengeance.  
  
"It's not working! Spray more!"  
  
"Gooooooooooodamn, are you happy the way you are?"  
  
"'Course I'm noh 'appy. Ah'm a big fat slob. Ah eat cuz Ah'm un'appy and Ah'm un'appy cuz Ah eeaht."  
  
"No shit you eat. When you eeeeat, you EEEEAT!" Jenny shouted.  
  
"Ah've noh seen mah willie in two years, which is long enough to declare it legally dead!"  
  
"Why are you telling us this? Look, here's five bucks, go to George Webb and get yourself an appetizer," said Kelly.  
  
"FWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPH."  
  
"Woof! Sounded like someone was blowing in a bottle!" said Jenny, plugging her nose and waving her hand.  
  
"Sorry. Ah fahrted."  
  
"No shit you farted. When you fart, you FART!" said Kelly.  
  
"Let's go, Fatty Bom-ba-latty, I mean Senator," Jean said, leading the way to the lab. Jenny and Kelly backed up as he went by them.  
  
"Ewwwwwww, assssss!" screamed Jenny, shooing him away.  
  
"You wanna move your waddling ass?? I WOULD like to breathe again sometime today!" said Kelly, trying to hold her breath.  
  
2 fucking days later they arrived at the lab  
  
"Ach, that was a tough walk, aye, crickey." panted Out of Shape Man. He was sweating profusely and was mustier than shit!  
  
"What'd you do? Crap your damn XXXXXXXXXXL undies?" Kelly asked.  
  
"I dunna like it when ya make fun of me Wal-Mart draws." complained Fat Assterd.  
  
Suddenly he ran like never before, because he never did run before. The Earth shook as he zipped into the living room and then ran back out after a few minutes. He rebuckled his belt and then slooooooooowly made his way back to the lab.  
  
"I'm thirsty," said Logan, "I'll be right back, I thought that I saw a punch bowl in the living room." Logan jogged quickly to the living room.  
  
Kelly looked at Jenny and Jenny looked back at Kelly.  
  
"LOOOOGAN!! DON'T DRIIIINK THEEEEE PUUUUNNNCHH!" yelled the girls. They followed him as fast as their Logan chasing legs could move. Logan was about to scoop a cup of the now filthy, brown, glowing punch out of the bowl. He was watching an interview with Rosie o' Donnell on the TV and wasn't paying attention to the Unholy contents of the punch.  
  
"FAT BASTARD LEFT A FLOATER!!" yelled Jenny, knocking the glass from his hand. Logan was about to ask her what her damn problem was when Kelly grabbed his head and turned it towards the punchbowl.  
  
"Look at this shit! Seriously!" said Kelly, pointing at the Lincoln log that was chillin' in the liquid.  
  
"Oh geeeeez!" moaned Logan, about to be sick, "You ladies saved me from having ass breath. I owe you a lapdance later on."  
  
"WOO HOO! TAKE IT OFF NOW!" screamed Kelly, getting her Carnie loot ready for stuffage.  
  
"No, later." said Logan, walking out of the defiled room.  
  
"No now!" whined Jenny, grabbing Logan's hand.  
  
"NOOOOO! I said Later!" yelled Logan, getting pissed.  
  
"Ok...." said the girls.  
  
They all made their way to the lab where Jean was doing tests on FatFuck. She put him on a treadmill and he stepped like two steps and then collapsed, totally exhausted. Paintings fell, windows cracked...Jenny and Kelly laughed, their asses off! Finally, Jean made him lay down on 8 metal hospital beds that were tied together to form one huge bed. He started to breathe all heavy and shit. Even sleep was exercise for his Royal Fatness.  
  
McDoBald wheeled his sparkly ass in. It began to smell like Pinesol! He approached fatty with extreme caution, afraid to be crushed.  
  
Senator Kelly sniffed the air and then looked at Picard all weird.  
  
"I'll tell you what Jean," Mr. Chubbalump started, "Yo' give me yer wee bahby, and I'll have hot sex with ye." Then he pulled out a random ostrich and chewed the fuck outta it.  
  
"Roooiiight," said McDoBald, "Senator Kelly I presume, what are you doing here and why are you so....overweight?  
  
"Overweight is the understatement of the yeeeeeear! It's pronounced OBESE!" explained Kelly, "Ridiculously OBESE is what I mean."  
  
"Endemoniadament ridiculo," said Jenny in perfect Spanish, "Translation: Regoddamndiculous."  
  
"Girls, will you please leave the room?" said Baldy in an annoyed tone, "Go bother someone else for a change."  
  
Jenny and Kelly gave him the infamous "niggaplease" look and turned around to leave. Then Kelly began to sing, "We love to see you shiiiiiine!"  
  
"Have you had your wax today?" sang Jenny, laughing.  
  
"Ye know, they're right. I'm all faht and stinky afterall," said Assterd sadly, eating a dog.  
  
"Hey! That's Jean's wig!" said Mono-eye, walking in with his visor all crooked and shit. He hobbled in with crutches, a bandaged head and a splinted left arm.  
  
"What happened to you?" Snow-Globe asked. He was shaking his waterfilled head like he was havin' a seizure or something. Jean watched, fascinated at the falling snow.  
  
"Pretty..."  
  
"MUGLY!" random Jenny said, pokin' her head into the room.  
  
"Get outta here I said! Logan, go out there and let them fondle you or some shit," said Jack-O'-Latern 2000.  
  
"Thank you, Slap Head, for your opinion. Now shut your cake hole!" Logan said, walking out of the room. Hands grabbed him and he was pulled away. Never to be seen in pants again. It was all bikini briefs for him! Well, not really. I can't back that up.  
  
"Ah was afraid if Ah went to a real hospital..."  
  
"They'd put you on a diet?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"We're not we seem, not all of us. Well, Jenny and Kelly are, those man- chasing, Logan loving, muttonchop molesting, ass pinching, groin fondling, claw dodging hoebeasties," said Marble-Shit.  
  
"Tell that to the ones that ass-raped me."  
  
"I'm not going to smell you, believe me. I'd rather suffocate," Knobby- Noggin McGee said, wheeling behind Assterd. He started to bombard Fatty with baldation waves.  
  
Baldy was inside the Senator's head, feeling everything and seeing everything that the Senator felt and saw.  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
"Please, no more! My ass is too full!"  
  
Baldy was horrified, yet compelled to keep watching. It was like the first time he started to watch gay porn. "Chicka-chicka bow wow chickachicka woow," said the porno music. Baldy watched as Sabretooth  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
and then he also felt when Senator Kelly  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
fought the overwhelming urge to ass rape someone  
  
and then he heard Magayto say  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
"Welcome to gay, my brother."  
  
Baldy heard and saw everything, including the penis shaped device that Magayto used, to when the Senator walked down the street and people threw cans and shit at him. It was very disturbing, but arousing, somehow. ::I can't watch anymore:: the professor thought. ::Oh wait. Yes I can.:: The professor went back to  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
blasted his mess  
  
He was brought out of his fantasy by an egg McMuffin being hurled at his head.  
  
"Logan tooked us to McDonald's an' I gots a Happy Meal an' an ice cweam cone!" said Jenny, smiling like a little kid. The Egg McMuffin slid down Coffee Bean's, well, bean. Unfortunately, Fat Bastard chose that moment to wake up. He saw and smelled Egg McMuffin and started to nibble on Baldy's Crisco doused head.  
  
"Niggaplease! Get off of me!"  
  
"Logan, take us to Chuck E. Cheese's! Now, mutha fucka!" said Kelly, pulling on him one way.  
  
"Yeah! And then take us to the Chippendale club!" said Jenny, pulling him the other way.  
  
"Do I look like a nanny to you?" Logan asked.  
  
Kelly pulled a bonnet over his, tied an apron around his waist and handed him a feather duster.  
  
"Jenn, do you want to answer that, or should I?"  
  
"Go for it." replied Jenny, eating her cone.  
  
"Ok, yes!" yelled Kelly, laughing.  
  
(author's note: Kelly accidentally goobered on poor Jenny while she was ordering pizza at this moment:)  
  
Logan began to tickle Jenny and Kelly's noses with the feather duster. They giggled and laughed. Then he started to sing, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go doooooown, medicine go doooooown, medicine go doooooown. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go doooooown, blah blah blah blah blee blee blue....."  
  
"Now let's go fly a kite!" said Logan, skipping away with Jenny and Kelly.  
  
~End part 14 


	15. Chapter 15

Part 15  
  
LOCATION: THE SCHOOL LAB  
  
Fat Assterd lay alone on a metal table, the lights turned off on his ugly ass. His chicken grease was leaking off him and making huge puddles around his fat body. He heard some footsteps.  
  
"Is someone there?" he called.  
  
Ororo peeked around the corner. She entered the room and stood next to Senator Kelly's lardy body.  
  
He grabbed her hand. "Please, Ah don't wahnt ta be alone."  
  
"Ok," said Ororo, holding his hand and trying to ignore all the grease dripping from him.  
  
"Do ye hate obese people?" Fat asked.  
  
"Sometimes....." replied Ororo.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know.....I suppose.....I'm afraid of them eating or crushing me," she said, starting to get scared.  
  
"Well lassie, ye have one less obese person to be afraid of..." said the Senator. His body became a mass of clear butter and he started to shrink. Poor Ororo's hand was stuck in the rolling lard. Slowly the Senator shrank down until he became a steaming box of Extra Crispy KFC with eyes. Ororo looked on in horror. She snatched her hand away and began to head out of the room. But the smell of chicken lured her back. She ate the Senator's final mutant form, bones and all. All through the feeding he protested by singing the Baby Back Ribs song, but it was too late for him.  
  
LOCATION: PEANUTHEAD'S OFFICE O' PEANUTBUTTER  
  
Logan stood in front of Xavier's desk with Jenny and Kelly. Cyke took the corner, still pretty fucked up after his last encounter with the Great Logan. Jean, the Prof's loyal pit bull, lay at his wheels, chewing on a milkbone.  
  
"So?" asked Logan, "Want does Magayto want with Rogue?"  
  
"I dunno," replied the Domehead, "Maybe he wants to infect the world with HIV. It seems that Magayto has built a sex machine that triggers homosexuality and obesity in normal human beings. And it seems to draw its power from Magayto's wang doodle."  
  
"But the mutation is unnatural," woofed Jean, looking up from her Scooby snack, "Kelly not only became incredibly obese and stinky, but he also became something worse......Scottish. The chicken grease that is leaking from him is his cells breaking down."  
  
"Jean," said Jenny, waving a stick around, "Fetch!"  
  
Jean ran for the stick and brought it back to Jenny. Jenny picked it up again and tossed that shit out the damn window. Jean jumped out too. A loud thud broke the silence for a moment and then peace was restored.  
  
"What effect does the machine have on muties?" asked Clops while peering out the window, scanning the lawn for Jean with his huge spotlight.  
  
"None, from what I can tell," replied the Professor, stroking his head.  
  
Logan lay on a lounge chair, thinking. Jenny was feeding him grapes and Kelly was fanning him with a large leaf. "You said that this machine draws its power from his shlong?"  
  
"Yes." replied the Professor, "His Giant Johnson."  
  
"What exactly did it do to him?" Logan asked.  
  
"Well, he clearly became spent and weak after using the device to splooge on the Senator," Potato head said, pausing, "In fact, it nearly killed him!"  
  
Sudden awareness crossed Logan's fuzzy face. "He's going to transfer his penis power to Rogue, so next time the machine kills her-not him. WOO HOO!!"  
  
"Oh my bald!" said the professor, worried, "We must save her before it's too late!"  
  
"Nah," said Kelly.  
  
"Let's play Monopoly instead." added Jenny.  
  
"This is no time for games," said Gaylops, becoming scared when Logan turned towards him.  
  
"Never mind," sighed Kelly, "Where are you going to find that little whore anyways?"  
  
"Hehe," laughed Jenny, "Try every corner from here to Hong Kong."  
  
Kelly and Logan both began to laugh too.  
  
"Enough you three," scolded Baldy, "I can try to use Cereblo to find Rogue. If I can pick up her trail of STD's, it may help us locate where they are heading. Cyclops, would you and Storm ready the jet? Oh, and find Logan, Jenny, and Kelly each a uniform please."  
  
"No," argued One-eye, "They are NOT coming! They'll endanger the mission and the team."  
  
"Hey ass," countered Logan, "I wasn't the one who fried a little kid with my large, "ever seeing eye". And I wasn't the one that got drunk and hit dear Jenny and then got fucked up. And I sure ain't the one who has a dog for a girlfriend."  
  
"No," replied Clops calmly, "You were the one that splooged in your pants."  
  
"More action than you'll ever get, meatball!" retorted Logan.  
  
"I don't care, you're not going."  
  
"Ya know what? You can take your little mission and stick it up your....." said Logan, suddenly interrupted by Ororo entering the room.  
  
"Senator Kelly is dead," she said, licking her fingers.  
  
"What?" asked the Professor, "How did he die?"  
  
"Well, I ate his crispy ass," replied Ororo, "He turned into a bucket of chicken, so I got hungry and munched him."  
  
"Oh, ok," said the Professor, turning to face the still arguing Clops and Logan, "Settle this."  
  
While Baldy headed for Cereblo. Jenny, Kelly, and Logan went to get uniforms. Ororo handed each a pile and told them to try them on.  
  
"Why are we going?" whispered Jenny to Kelly, "We have no special powers."  
  
"I dunno," replied Kelly, getting ready to change clothes, "But we can sure use a bat when we put our minds to it."  
  
Kelly went into the dressing room and started to change. A few minutes passed and she came out. Her suit, well, it was pretty messed up looking.  
  
"Jeeeeeeesus!" complained Kelly, "Who the hell wore this shit last? A damn ape?" The sleeves of her uniform were dragging on the floor and the pant legs were really short. "I swear to God, I am NOT going to wear this shit."  
  
"High water goodness." laughed Jenny, entering a dressing room to change also. Jenny was taking forever.  
  
"Well Miss Smarty-pants, let's see how your uniform turned out," said Kelly, rolling up the sleeves of her outfit.  
  
"No way!" said Jenny poutily, "I am not coming out."  
  
"Git yo' ass out here!"  
  
"No! No one can make me do anything I don't want."  
  
"Um....Logan's undressing in front of me."  
  
"You lie! He would never do something like that. Do you think I'm dumb or something?"  
  
"Here Logan, let me unzip that for you."  
  
"Kelly? Are you really lying? Is he really naked?"  
  
"You have to come out to see."  
  
"Ok, I'll do it for Logan."  
  
Jenny came out, wrapped in the dressing room curtain, only to be greeted with Kelly holding a camera. No Logan.  
  
"Ya bitch!" yelled Jenny, running back into the dressing room.  
  
"Hehehehe," giggled Kelly, "Gullible."  
  
The real Logan entered the room already decked out in his tight, tight, tight, tight, tight, revealing, tight, sexy, tight uniform. He looked at Kelly's outfit and turned away to laugh. "Looks like you got an ape's old uniform," he laughed.  
  
"Shaddup."  
  
"So, where's Jenny?" asked Logan.  
  
"Where do ya think? Still hiding in the dressing room." said Kelly, "C'mon Jenny!! Git out of there!"  
  
Logan went forward and entered the curtained room. Jenny looked at him, totally surprised.  
  
"Hey! Get out of here!!" Jenny yelled, "Girls only! How dare you come in here while I'm changing!"  
  
"You're not changing," said Logan, trying to grab her, "You're completely dressed already!"  
  
"NOOO!" screamed Jenny as Logan picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder. Usually Jenny would have enjoyed this but she didn't want anyone to see her in the outfit. She started to kick and wiggle around so he'd let her go, but he held her tight.  
  
Logan put her down outside and then backed away to admire her gear.  
  
Kelly grinned when she saw what Jenny had to wear. Grinned hard as fuck! Her uniform was a pair of holy plaid pants, an old ass New Kid's on the Block T-shirt, some red 80's Reeboks, and to top off the horrible ensemble, a Cheesehead.  
  
"I am not wearing this!" yelled Jenny, trying to be heard over the laughter. Ororo entered the room to check on them.  
  
"Jenny! Why is you wearing Scott's weekend outfit? Here, this is your uniform, take that off." said Ororo, handing Jenny another folded uniform.  
  
Jenny was totally humiliated. She ran back into the dressing room to take that shit off. "Stop laughing out there! It's not funny!" she yelled.  
  
"Yes it is." The two laughed. A loud ass rip was heard over the laughter. Kelly stopped laughing and looked at Logan, who looked like he was trying to hide something.  
  
"What was that?" asked Kelly suspiciously.  
  
"Nothing." said Logan quickly, turning red and looking at the wall.  
  
"No, I just heard something rip." said Kelly, continuing her investigation.  
  
"I didn't hear nothing."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"I didn't!"  
  
"Get up then. Why are you still sitting on the floor?"  
  
"I want to."  
  
Jenny came out of the dressing room, finally. Her uniform fit pretty well. It was a lot better than Kelly's uniform.  
  
"What the shit?" asked Kelly, "How the hell do you get a nice uniform and I get stuck with Mighty Joe Young's weekend wear?"  
  
"Well, I'm more special." said Jenny, sitting down next to Logan. "Hey lover," she cooed.  
  
"Oh hi how are you doing you know this weather we've been having is really nice for growing things the farmers love it and well so do I because it's so nice....." Logan babbled nervously.  
  
Jenny looked at him crazily, getting up and backing away. "What's up with him?"  
  
"I think he ripped his pants," said Kelly, scratching her head.  
  
"Oh really," smiled Jenny, "I'd like to see that."  
  
"Me too." said Kelly fiendishly, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
  
"I think I am Brain." said Jenny, imitating Pinky.  
  
"Let's tickle him!" said Jenny.  
  
Logan saw them rushing him, but in his leather he couldn't move fast enough.  
  
Before they could tickle him, Ororo pulled them back by their collars.  
  
"No tickling!" she shouted in their faces, "You don't want another splooge incident on your hands now, do you? Besides I just had these suits dry- cleaned."  
  
Logan put down his head in shame at the mention of his incident. Ororo had him stand up, and she patched his ripped seat up. Jenny and Kelly watched from a distance, grinning and taking plenty of pictures.  
  
LOCATION: CEREBLO  
  
Spherically Challenged Guy wheeled down the platform on Cereblo. He noticed a veeeeery strong odor. Shit mixed with old piss. "Hmmm" thought the Bald- one, "I'll have to call the maid service when I get done with my biniss."  
  
He attached his noodle-like penie to the sucking device and began to concentrate. Instead of sucking his midget beater, it began to lightly toast that shit. Smoke started to pour out of the machine. It smelled like hotdogs.  
  
"Oh dear Lord! It burns!" yelled the Prof hoarsely as he tried to pry his one-eyed monster from the toaster oven. He pulled with all of his strength and he managed to yank it out. He flew back and rolled out of his chair, yelling in agony. Then he passed.....the fuck out, him and his rapidly departing follicles! He dreamed of Vienna hotdogs and dancing brats.  
  
Jean later on found him in the fetal position on the floor, surrounded by mustard and ketchup packets.  
  
LOCATION: LAB ROOM  
  
O' Baldy was lying on a table, unconscious. His shriveled member lay shriveled and bandaged. The smell of hotdogs lingered in the room. All his Xies hovered about him, staring at his wookie chest and shine-tastic head.  
  
"I'm not sorry," said Logan to Scott, laughing his ass off. "That's what the fogey gets for getting sucked by a machine and not a real person."  
  
"You ASS!" cried Gaylops, hugging the professor to him. Jean left the room in a hurry. She was late for her Hooker classes.  
  
LOCATION: CEREBLO  
  
Jean was on her hands and knees like the hooker she was. Big surprise there. She was trying to clean up the shit-stained Cereblo and get that varnish-corroding stench out of the big round room. She picked up a clinging dingle berry and stared at it intently. "Hmmm...." she said, then popped it into her mouth, "Tastes like Mystique......and shit." Then she started to chow the fuck down on all the other delicacies. Cereblo was cleaned up, finally. Jean wiped her mouth off and looked around to see if anyone was watching her. No one was. DA DA DA! She undid her skirt with the hole in the rear-end and inserted her Johnson into the penis sucking device.  
  
It was comfy! She could understand why the professor liked to use it so much.  
  
LOCATION: LAB ROOM, AGAIN DAMMIT  
  
Snake-Eye sat talking to the unconscious professor. "You can still hear me, can't you?" he asked. Of course, the professor didn't reply or move, I mean, he was in a damn coma for Christ's sake. Even his burnt penis was down for the count. "You've taught me everything in my life that is worth knowing. And I want you to know that I'll take care of them," he said, then turned to leave.  
  
As he walked down the hall, he saw Jean kneeling at Cereblo. "Jean?! JEAN! NO JEAN!" He broke into a run and started flying towards Jean and Cereblo. The door closed in his face and he got fucked up. His face was imprinted on the door. He heard strange groans and moaning coming from inside. He feared for Jean's safety.  
  
Well, not really. I can't back that up.  
  
The door finally opened and Jean fell into Candle-Eye's arms. She smelled an awful lot like ass. "Jean, what have you done? You've got cooter juice everywhere."  
  
"Ohhhhh, yeaahhhhh. Mind blowing. Ohhh, Scott. I know where they're going with Rogue."  
  
LOCATION: LIBERTY ISLAND, NEW YORK  
  
A boat was coming into port, and an officer was waving it in. Sabretooth appeared randomly behind the poor bastard and stabbed the royal monkey out of him. Toad then dropped out of nowhere and fell on another officer, breaking the sorry mofo's neck. "Ahh," Toad said, then jumped away and squished another guy.  
  
Mystique was in the boat, being a hooker. A dead officer lay pant less and splooged upon at her feet. Rogue was cuffed to a bed, nekkid as the day she was first pimped.  
  
"Isn't it ma-gay-ficent?" Magayto asked gayly, as he gayly walked in through the gay door and across the gay floor up to gay Rogue. He pointed gayly at the gay statue standing gayly in the gay night gay. "GAY!" he coughed. "Sorry."  
  
"I've seen that piece of ass before. I remember answering a call for her one night," said Rogue snottily.  
  
"I first saw shim in 1949. America was going to be the land of tolerance, the land of Gay."  
  
"Are you going to kill me?" Rogue asked all wimpily, swallowing a lot. ::glug glug glug glug::  
  
"Hell yeah, mother fucker. What? Did you think I was going to take you out for a night on the town? Heeeellll mutha fuckin' naw!"  
  
"Whhhhhyyyyy?" she whined.  
  
"Because there is no land of tolerance, there is no land of Gay. Not here, not anywhere. Bitch. Women and children, whole families destroyed simply because they were born different, gayer than those in power. Well, after tonight, the worlds powerful will be just like us. They will return home as brothers, as gays. And our cause will be theirs. Your sacrifice will mean our survival. I'll understand if this is small consolation. Put her in the machine. I'll lift it, with my powers o' gay."  
  
~End part 15 


	16. Chapter 16

Part 16  
  
LOCATION: PIMP ASS XAVIER'S MANSION OF NEKKID MEN  
  
All the X-men gathered into a little room that I'm going to call the Orgy Room, I mean Map Room. Jenny and Kelly stood behind Logan, watching his ass intently. Gaylops pushed a button and hard-core gay porn played on all the monitors in the room.  
  
"Oh yeah! Hit it home daddy!"  
  
"Oh oh oh oh YEAH!"  
  
"Um.you probably should ignore that," he said, trying to click the porno off. "Sorry, I swear that this isn't mine."  
  
Logan shook his head knowingly. "Sure it isn't, you flaming homo."  
  
"Ewwww!!" shrieked Jenny, "What are they doing to that other man??"  
  
Logan covered her young eyes with his hand.  
  
"You don't want to know." was all he said, averting his gaze to the floor.  
  
Finally, halfway through the tape, Gaylops managed to turn it off.  
  
He pushed a different button, one that wasn't marked "Push for porn".  
  
The table in the room was suddenly covered with a detailed 3D map of the New York City area.  
  
"All righty then," explained Gaylops, "We can swing the jet past the 7-11 and pick up some icees, then it's off to Male Heaven for a few lap dances. After that we can dress in drag and pick up some transvestites at the corner."  
  
As he said the names of the places he pointed them out on the map. Logan listened to the plan and then looked down at the Gayfreak.  
  
"I don't think so." Logan said, "When do we get to saving Rogue? You're evening seems pretty much planned out tonight."  
  
"I was getting to that," said Eyeball with attitude, "Ahhh, you can just be such a bitch sometimes." He gestured with his hands gayly and his voice got real feminine.  
  
"Proceed Mighty One eye," said Logan, bowing to him.  
  
"Where was I.oh yeah, corner," said Gayster, "AFTER, the corner, we can come around the bank just off of Manhattan." His hand pointed to the Statue of Gayberty. "We land on the far side of Liberty Island. Here."  
  
"So what about radar?" asked Logan.  
  
Half-a-Dick glanced up and grinned, showing the world his yellow, rotten, horse-like teeth. "If theys has anything that cin pick oop our flying gizmo, them deserves ta catcher us."  
  
"It's called a toothbrush," said Kelly, "Check into it." She whipped a 99- cent toothbrush at his fo'head. Then Jenny shot a tube of toothpaste.  
  
"To the jet!" yelled Jenny, pointing boldly to Logan's groin, "To manhoodity, and beyond! Up up and splooooooooge!"  
  
They all headed out to the shagadelic polka-dotted X-Jet.  
  
LOCATION: WHAT'S IT TO YOU?  
  
Everyone boarded the X-Jet, fighting over the few seats inside. Uni-eye grabbed the pilot's seat and next to him sat one of those hopping monkey guys from The Wizard of Oz. Oh wait, that was Jean. Storm, all bloated and fat from the Bucket o' Bastard that she devoured, lay on the floor. Her fat was bulging out of her suit, and so was her ass. Logan sat down quickly, only to be tackled by Jenny and Kelly. They fought over possession of his lap.  
  
"I wanna sit here!" cried Kelly, trying to conquer more lap territory.  
  
"Oh no! I would prefer to sit here. Logan likes me better anyways!" retorted Jenny, grasping both of Logan's thighs.  
  
"Ladies," said the weary Logan, "No one is sitting on me. Now stop fooling around! I've had enough of this fighting over me shit. You two are worse than men!"  
  
Jenny and Kelly stared at him, very much offended.  
  
Jenny released his thighs, but not before squeezing them one last time.  
  
"Fine then," said Kelly, turning her back on Logan. She made her way to the far end of the jet. Then she huffily sat down. Jenny looked at Kelly, then at Logan, then back at Kelly. She decided to go and chill with her buddy, the one and only Kellsticles.  
  
"Thank you!" said Logan, his voice slightly cracking, "Finally I get to get some peace and quiet!" He leaned back and closed his eyes. Every once and awhile he'd open one eye to see what his loyal admirers were up to.  
  
"BING BING." binged the jet's female computer voice, "Lift off will be in one hour due to tampons clogging the thrusters. Thank you Jean, you no good donkey spanking bitch."  
  
Jenny and Kelly groaned in the corner. Now they had to sit around and do nothing. How boring.  
  
"Everyone," announced Nipple-Eye, "I'm going to try and fix the jet really quick. I'll be back as soon as I can. Meanwhile, make yourselves at home." He started for the exit and then turned around and looked directly at Jenny and Kelly. "You two be good or else you can't go!"  
  
"Go fuck yourself," laughed Kelly.  
  
"Cunt eye!"  
  
"Pickle smoking gay man!"  
  
"Rectum-headed bitchwad!"  
  
"Asshair braider!"  
  
"Pork-bellied barforific crud infested fart sniffing vomitrocious hog- humping piss head!"  
  
"Halitosis-infested, unspeakably offensive fuck stick!"  
  
"Um..anus licking, moronic monkey mangling, mammy ramming, man banger!"  
  
"Public manure heap!"  
  
"Peck sniffin', turkey shit gobbling, dickheaded, 10/10 vision havin', shrunken testicle grabbin', basrat!"  
  
"Fut! Fut on thee!"  
  
Clopface gave them a dirty look and then left.  
  
"What a horse's ass!" remarked Jenny, "He really went to fish for a penis."  
  
"He couldn't catch one if he tried." said Kelly.  
  
Logan kept glancing over at the chatting girls. He felt left out. He cleared his throat loudly. "Ahem.." They ignored it. "I said..AHEM!" They still acted like they didn't hear it. He crossed and uncrossed his legs angrily. Then he started to shift moodily in his seat. He looked over at them again. They were totally immersed in their little conversation. Kelly whispered something to Jenny and then the two started to giggle.  
  
Logan started to move closer and closer to the girls. He was determined to get their attention.  
  
Jenny looked up and saw Logan trying to be sneaky. He sat down next to Jenny and looked around the room like nothing was happening. Jenny looked at him strangely, shrugged her shoulders, and turned back to talk with Kelly.  
  
"What's he doing?" whispered Kelly.  
  
"I think he got lonely," said Jenny. Logan picked up Jenny's hand and placed it on his thigh. Then he looked her straight in the eye and gave her the sexiest look he could give. He even used the smirk and eyebrow artillery!  
  
Jenny stared at him, totally unfazed. She picked her hand up and turned around to face Kelly again. Logan was amazed that she of all people could withstand his look of love. Kelly poked Jenny and Jenny fell over, stiff as a board.  
  
"You killed her Logan!!" screamed Kelly, her hands on her face. She suddenly became serious.  
  
"Good going. Now how's about you, me, and your bed makes three?"  
  
"How 'bout no?" he replied, still looking at the fainted Jenny. He nudged her with his foot. "Is she gonna be ok?"  
  
"Well now, I don't know," said Kelly, booting Jenny a few times in the head, "You know what? This is all your fault."  
  
"How is this my fault?" asked Logan angrily, popping his claws. Kelly started to look dazed also. Logan poked her and she also fell down, stiff as a board.  
  
"Oh jeeeeeeeeeeeeeessuuus!!"  
  
Gayman walked over to Logan and looked down at the unconscious girls. He wiped his hands off on a rag and patted Logan's back. "Jet's all fixed Don Juan," he laughed, "I hope you stabbed them or something."  
  
"Kiss my ass, dickface," said Jenny, rubbing her head and getting to her feet. "Who the ass kicked me in the goddamn head?!"  
  
Logan pointed to Kelly.  
  
"That whore!" yelled Jenny, booting Kelly in the ass. Kelly moaned and started to stir.  
  
"Logan, Christ, you don't have to be so rough with my ass you know," she said, getting up. She saw that everyone looking at her oddly. "Errr.I mean, you don't have to.nevermind."  
  
"Ok, the tampons have been cleared," said Gayman, looking at Jean all crazy, "I didn't know that jets get periods but I guess anything can happen nowadays."  
  
Jean put her head down. "I have a problem," she whined.  
  
"Yeah," laughed Jenny, "You look like a dog, you smell like a dog, and I'm pretty sure that you are a dog. You should get that checked out woofie."  
  
"I'm obsessed with feminine products!" she continued, pulling like 30 boxes of Kotex from her purse.  
  
"Why??" asked Kelly, "Let me spell this shit out for ya. Y-O-U H-A-V-E A P- E-N-I-S!"  
  
"And what a penis!" said Gaylops, lookin' proud.  
  
Jean smiled. "Well, you do take care of it Scotty Baby."  
  
"This is just getting sick," groaned Logan, "The last thing that I want to know is how Gayman over here takes care of Jean's Captain Winky."  
  
"Ditto," said Jenny, looking disgusted.  
  
"Everyone get in their seats!" yelled Captain Eye, "4 minutes to lift off!"  
  
"This ain't a freakin' spaceship, ass," said Kelly.  
  
Logan sat down in his seat. The two girls came over to him and looked at him. Then Jenny lunged.  
  
"Left thigh is mine!" she screeched, jumping on Logan's lap. Kelly took the other thigh.  
  
"I own his ass," said Kelly, "I'm just letting you borrow his left thigh because there is no where else to sit." She squeezed his leg. "Mine."  
  
"No way!" insisted Jenny, "Loganie let ME touch his leg, not you! Right Logan?" She batted her eyes sweetly.  
  
"I..um.."  
  
"Logan," purred Kelly, "Tell this messed up beeeeyatch that you're mine and only mine." Kelly stroked his chops.  
  
"Git offa me!" Logan pushed the two girls from him.  
  
"Fine," said Jenny huffily, "I'll sit on the goddamn floor." She sat on the floor Indian style. Kelly sat down next to her.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh," sighed Logan, stretching, "All this room and no women to take up my space. This is my idea of heaven."  
  
Jenny looked up at him with longing in her eyes.  
  
"It's best to not look," said Kelly, turning Jenny's head away from the hunk of man behind her. Kelly started to stare at Logan.  
  
"Hey whore!" yelled Jenny, "You said I couldn't look but here you are drooling away!"  
  
"I'm privileged," replied Kelly, " When You and I first agreed to make this kick azz story you said I had the right to fondle and stare at Logan any damn time I wanted."  
  
"I never said that!!"  
  
"Yes you did!" Kelly busted out with a contract. It said:  
  
"I hereby proclaim that Kelly has the right to molest the Logan whenever she pleases. She also has the right to bear his children and the right to touch the holy manhood. Logan is the sole property of Kelly. Jenny owns no part of his body and cannot ever ever ever fondle or stare at will. If she breaks this contract may she be stoned like the pig lovin' wench she is. ~Kelly Stickles  
  
  
  
"Hey! I never wrote that!" Jenny looked closely at the supposed contract with a magnifying glass. "Why would I sign your name?"  
  
Kelly was busy brushing Logan's hair. "You have beautiful hair darling," she said, "You know what you need?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You need a vacation from Jenny. She can be quite abusive sometimes. You also need to rest up for our wedding night. Got to conserve that stamina!!" Kelly put a few little barrettes in his hair.  
  
"Oh, and you're not abusive, eh?" Jenny stood behind Kelly, arms folded over her chest and foot tapping, "And what's all this wedding shit about? You plotting behind your future wife's back Logan??" She grabbed his ear and gave it a tug.  
  
Logan looked down, "No Miss Jenny."  
  
"Too late for that now!" Jenny pointed to a corner, "Go over there and think about what you've done!"  
  
Logan got up and stamped over to the corner, "You are so mean!!"  
  
"I'm just doing what's best for you," said Jenny in a motherly tone, "It's all because I love you."  
  
"I know," he whined, facing the wall.  
  
"Good boy."  
  
"Wow Jenny," said Kelly in awe, "That's impressive! You have him trained so well!"  
  
"It won't last though," said Jenny, "Watch. 5..4..3..2..1.now."  
  
"Hey! What in the name of Bald Xavier's am I doing?" Logan whirled around, "You! I am not an animal for you to train. If you wanna play dog trainer, go look for Jean!"  
  
"Woof! I mean.you called?" Jean showed up crawling on the ground, a collar around her neck.  
  
"She'd enjoy that shit Logan!" said Jenny, "C'mon! If you give me a massage I'll give you some Kibbles and Bits and Cheesy Chunks."  
  
"Um..no."  
  
"How does some Snausages sound?"  
  
"I said NO!"  
  
"A milk bone? Rawhide? Beggin' Strips? Alpo?"  
  
"How's about I give you and Kelly a Logan Brand Mohawk?" Logan popped his claws again.  
  
"Sure. Kelly could use a shave," laughed Jenny, "Talk about wookie!"  
  
"Don't get me started on wookies you homeless burger pusher!"  
  
"Ass sniffin' transvestite Ronald McDonald licker!"  
  
"Garbage pickin' 2000 lb obese waddle jiggler!"  
  
"Kiss my ass you twelve nippled circus midget!"  
  
"Midget? Listen here Amazon dykemonger. There's nothing midget-like about you. They should call you Jolly Green Jenny or some shit. Lookin' like She- Hulk on acid!"  
  
"She-Hulk is hot!" yelled Logan for some strange reason.  
  
The feuding girls ignored him.  
  
"I'm taking yo' ass to court for being able to walk around free among civilized people!"  
  
"What are you saying Jenny??"  
  
"I mean, I didn't know they let rabid gorillas out of their cages! I'm looking at the queen mother of them all too. Mighty Joe Young lookin' arms dragging on the ground Encino Woman! Someone needs to pump your hairy ass full of tranquilizers and take you back to Gilligan's Island!"  
  
"Oh hell naw!" said Kelly, "Now it's on!"  
  
The scene changes to a courtroom. Music starts to play. "Da da da...da da da."  
  
Jenny walks down the aisle and stands in front of her table. She opens up a suitcase and pulls some documents out.  
  
"The plaintiff: 19 year old Jenny, a beautiful super model who can't even trust one of her best friends with her main man, Logan. She's suing for unlawful fondling of a wolverine and being called Jolly Green Jenny."  
  
Kelly walks down the aisle next. She runs straight for Jenny and begins pulling her hair. An officer pulls her away and puts her in front of her table. Jenny sticks her tongue out at Kelly and the audience goes, "Oooooooh!"  
  
"The defendant: 304 year old Kelly Stickles, a crazy cat lovin' lady that enjoys sitting on her porch in her favorite rocking chair babbling incoherently. She's counter suing for being called a hairy feces-chucking primate and for total ownership of Logan. Oooops, someone has been playing with my cards!!"  
  
Jenny winks and then grins fiendishly. "Ayyyyyyyyyy!" She gives the audience a thumbs up like the Fonz.  
  
"Ahem, anyways, the cases are real, the people are real, and the rulings are final. This is her courtroom.Judge Judy!"  
  
"Woo hoo!" yelled Jenny, pumping her fist, "You going down Kelly!"  
  
"We'll see about that," replied Kelly, flipping Jenny a friendly bird, "Judge Judy is a fair woman!"  
  
"Both of you shut the hell up or else my shoe will find it's way up your ass!" screeched Judge Judy, "Well, you two look like intelligent ladies. NOT! Let's hear your side of the story Andre the Giant."  
  
Jenny looked at her all crazy, "Me?"  
  
"No, the other 12 foot woman behind you," said Judy, "Of course you!"  
  
"Um.yeah," started Jenny, "First of all I'd like to say that you look quite lovely today your honor."  
  
"Don't give me that bullshit madam. Get to the story."  
  
"Ok, Miss Apeshit over there keeps trying to take my man, Mr. Logan. She also slandered my good name repeatedly." Jenny dug into her briefcase and pulled out a rotten banana. "I found this shoved into my shoe one day. She admitted to doing it."  
  
Judge Judy looked over to Kelly, "Did you do that?"  
  
"Well I.."  
  
"I asked you a simple question madam. I'm sorry if I can't get further down to your level of intelligence. Did you do that or not?"  
  
"Yeah." " That was very vindictive of you. Vindictive and mean. You're not a very nice person."  
  
"But I can."  
  
"Did you just interrupt me?"  
  
Kelly shook her head vigorously.  
  
"If you ever do that again, you'll be out of this courtroom on your ass. Don't piss me off. I can smell a lie a mile away."  
  
"Yes your honor. I did it," admitted Kelly, putting her head down.  
  
"Continue Miss Giraffe." Judge Judy looked back to Jenny.  
  
"As I was saying, she keeps trying to take my man, Logan. Kelly knows that Logan belongs to me and only me. She calls him in the middle of the night when we're busy making babies and she stalks him constantly."  
  
"Objection your honor!" Logan stood up. "Jenny and I are not together. Kelly and I are not together. In fact we will never be together."  
  
"Is that so? Stand up here Sir." Judy waved him up.  
  
Logan made his way up to the judge's desk. "Are you telling me that you are currently not involved with either one of these girls?"  
  
"That's what I'm saying. I'd rather hump a cactus then have any kind of sexual relations with these two," Logan explained.  
  
"But I made you sploooooooge Logan!" cried Jenny.  
  
"Hey hey hey! It was a combined effort," added Kelly.  
  
Logan groaned, "Why didja have to bring that up again?"  
  
"Is what they're saying true Sir? Did you somehow lose control of your bodily functions and as they say "splooge" everywhere?"  
  
"Not everywhere your honor!" said Logan, "Only on my pants!"  
  
"So you did. You sick man," Judge Judy said, "You took advantage of two very young girls. What have you to say for yourself?"  
  
"They pumped me full of date rape pills though!!"  
  
"All of you get out of my courtroom! OUT!" Judy motioned for the bailiff to beat some ass, "Pile of sickos. Who's next?"  
  
"Yo mama Judge Hoebeast!" yelled Kelly, "Kiss my ass you grizzled granny!" Kelly hurled a random audience member at the judge. Judy caught the poor person and chomped them into a bloody pulp.  
  
"Eep!"  
  
"Run for it Kelly!" cried Jenny, getting her ass out of the room.  
  
ANYWAYS, BACK ON THE JET  
  
"Bing bing," binged the binger, "Jean's corroded tampons have finally been removed from the jet's thrusters, however, something else was found down there. It appears to be a rather large bowling ball shaped object."  
  
"Hey," said Kelly, looking up, "Where's Jenny?"  
  
"Yeah," said Logan, "I haven't seen her since the two of you disappeared off to random court."  
  
"Who cares," said The Gayest Man Known To Exist, blinking his large mono- eye, "I hope she's rotting in a ditch somewhere."  
  
Kelly chucked a piece of Jean's charred wig at Gayman 5021 with all her might. It landed lightly on his head and started to chew the fuckle out of his foogle.  
  
"What the hell?!" yelled Logan, watching the tribble from hell eat Loin- eye's visor.  
  
Shaft-eye ran around the jet screaming at the top of his eye. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HELP ME!! IT'S EEEEEEAAAATING MY VIIIIIIISOOOOOR!"  
  
"My hair!" screamed Bald Woofer, following Dinger-eye and trying to reclaim what was left of her matted, dirty, tangled, shit stained, mop of a wig.  
  
Butt-cheek head wheeled around the corner at that moment. "What the figgle foogle mcassass is going on here? I'm in a coma for 5 minutes and you guys fickle everything up."  
  
"Why the hell are you talking like that?" asked Kelly, with a "what the fuck" look on her face.  
  
"Yeah, what's with the 'foogle' and the 'figgle' and especially the 'mcassass'?" said Logan.  
  
Peenage-with-Wheelage whipped out his shriveled Ball-park. "Yoo hooo, my spent penis ring a bell, hello? Remember, toaster, mustard, ketchup, side of relish, me curled up in the fetal position with my wang smoking more than a chimney?"  
  
"Oh yeah. You are a sick, sad little man. Did I mention bald? Or how about manhoodless? Or vertically challenged? Or---"  
  
Baldman McGee interrupted Jenny. "That's enough of that."  
  
"Kiss my aaasssss," said Kelly, bending over and pointing at her bum, "You little shit."  
  
"I will not stand around here and be insulted by a little insolent ragamuffin like you," replied Mr. McBald.  
  
"Ahem.stand? Mutha fuckah! Have you looked at yourself lately? You're in a goddamn wheelchair! That ain't no shopping cart mofo and this ain't no Pick n' Save bitch," yelled Jenny, shoving Turtle from his chair onto the jet's floor.  
  
"Hey, stop it! He's a gimp for Lieutenant Dan's sake!" screamed Cloppy, a tear streaking his one eyed face.  
  
"Lieutenant Dan!!!! He's a cripple," explained Kelly, "You're gonna offend him if you call him a shrimpy numbified-ass gimp."  
  
But the Profbaldy wasn't listening.wasn't seeing.wasn't conscious.and he sure as all hell wasn't kicking, cuz he can't. He was knocked the fuckle outta his fickle.  
  
"You..killed..him!!" cried McEye, who was in the process of shaking the Baldman like an English nanny, "I'll never ever ever forgive you! Never in a million trillion gazillion years! Not even if you kill Jean! Never!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
"How old are you?" asked Kelly, watching Cloppy MacLoppy beat the Asscheek into a bruised orange shaped orange.  
  
"It smells like hotdog juice," said Jean, her nose sniffin' at the speed of tramp. She clamped her suctionized mouth onto World Globe's head and sucked Australia off of him, much to Logan's dismay.  
  
"When are we gonna get on with this damn story already?" asked Logan, arms crossed and toe a-tappin', "I mean, talk about stretching a 2 hour movie out!"  
  
Kelly gave Logan the infamous "niggaplease" look. "Hey. It's our damn story, we can make it as long as we want, Claw-Man."  
  
Logan unleashed the fury known as the adamantium claws. "Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarr!" he shouted, waving his arms.  
  
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeahhhh. No thanks," said Jenny.  
  
"What was all that shit about? I never thought I'd say this, but that was incredibly un-sexy!" said Kelly.  
  
"Woof woof!" woofed Jean the Woofer, who was trained in the Art of Woofing. She also is the proud owner of a Woofing degree in Woofing and the Sluttiest Dog in the Kennel award, brought to you by Kibbles n' Bits n' Cheesy Chunks.  
  
"When the fuck did this turn into a damned commercial?" belched Storm from the vicinity of the floor. She was breathing quite heavily, and bursting out of her un-reinforced uniform. A button hit Mr. Potato Head-with- missing-pieces-namely-eye in the, well, eye.  
  
Jenny and Kelly suddenly busted out with some top hats and canes.  
  
"Jeepers creepers, where'd you get that PEEPER!" they sang in unison, accompanied by occasional high-kicks.  
  
"Don't you mean 'peepers'?" asked Jean.  
  
"Listen here Woof, we don't make mistakes," said Jenny, lookin' more pimp than ever.  
  
Kelly put in her two cents and tossed a generic version of Milkbone. She didn't deserve that kind of quality. Scott was curled up in the corner, crying his eye out.  
  
"Okay, c'mon now, can we get off the goddamn ground?" Logan asked, his eyebrow rose dramatically into the air, touching the ceiling and struggling to get free. The eyebrow, which we will refer to as "Dave", pulled out a chainsaw from its hairy depths and started to saw the shit out of the jet's ceiling. It wasn't getting anywhere, so it grew arms and started to bang futilely on the jet, sobbing its hair out. It suddenly disappeared and then reappeared back on Logan's sexy face. (we apologize for this nonsense. It was brought on by a streak of boredom and crack smoking. Now back to your regularly scheduled crap)  
  
"Um..yeah," said Jenny, for once in her 19 years of existence at a loss of words, "That was just, strange. Who the hell is writing this story anyways? Two immature teens or something?"  
  
"Hey bitch, stay in part!" yelled a disembodied voice, "And zip your fly up for God's sake.I swear, you can't find good actresses these days."  
  
Jenny looked around, totally mystified. "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm one of the authors of this story," explained the voice with attitude, "And you better not forget that shit you ungrateful wench, or else I'll add an extra head onto that bowling ball you already have."  
  
"Are you the one that did that to Logan's eyebrow?" asked Kelly, "And why do you sound so much like me?"  
  
"I am you, dippy," laughed Author Kelly, "Get to working or else I'll make Jean have sex with Logan!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" screamed Jenny, falling on her hands and knees, "Please don't!"  
  
"We'll be good o' mighty Authors!!" said Kelly, bowing, "Please continue to make this story full of raunchy humor and bald jokes."  
  
"We will," said the voice, "Well, gotta go. I'm meeting Hugh Jackman for dinner with Jenny. Ta ta asses. Mwhahahahaha!!!"  
  
Everyone in the jet was all quiet and shit.that is until nature called for Jean.  
  
"FFFFFTTTT!!"  
  
Suddenly the airtight enclosure was filled with green clouds of fumes. Everyone in the jet ran around in total confusion and lack of clean, breathable air. Ass was filling their every pore. Jean continued her never ceasing pootable orchestra of poot, pooting all the waaaaaaaaaaaaay home.  
  
"Someone cork her ass up!" yelled Logan, "It smells like someone broke loose and rubbed old dog's ass on the walls then turned up the heat!"  
  
"Hell no!" yelled Jenny, talking funny because she was pinching her nose with her fingers, "It smells like a damn Port o' Let that's never once been emptied out!"  
  
"Almost, but I believe that the proper odor is twelve pieces of gooey dog shit on top of four pieces of soggy cat shit on top of forty specs of bird shit then shit on by an obese woman that's consumed nothing but meat for a whole year then shit on by a goddamn old sick elephant plagued by diarrhea!" yelled Kelly waving her hands around to fight the odor of ass with all she had.  
  
"Yeah! That's it!" agreed everyone on the jet. Even the unconscious Coconut smelt that shit in his coma. Here's his story..  
  
"I can walk again!" laughed the Professor, who was now in possession of a full head of hair and working legs. He skipped freely through a field of flowers, breathing in the fresh clean air.  
  
*Is this really happening?* The Professor sat on the comfy grass on the ground and leaned back, relaxing. *I've never felt so at peace and bald joke free.*  
  
He closed his eyes and listened to the birds singing in the trees. Suddenly it all became silent, not even the sound of the wind rustling the tree branches present. The Professor heard another sound though.  
  
"FFFFTTTTT...."  
  
"What on Earth...." the Professor said aloud, watching a green cloud slowly make its way towards him, "What's that?"  
  
The cloud totally enveloped him and he made the biggest mistake of his life, he inhaled.  
  
"Oh dear ass!" he choked, stumbling around. He collapsed on the ground smack dab in the center of the Ass Cloud.  
  
"Help me!! LOOOOOGAAAAN!!" he called between gasped for clean air, "CAAAAAN YOOOOOOOU HEEEEEAAAAR MEEEEEE? I'VEEEE FAAAALLLLEEEEEN DOOOOOOWN THEEEE TOOOILEEEEET...I THIIIIINK!"  
  
The Professor started to roll down the grassy hill, while trying to get a hold of something to stop him. It was too late. He fell over a random cliff and plummeted to the bottom of the.well, well.  
  
"I'VEEEE FALLLLEEEN DOOOWNN THEE WELLL! AGAIN!"  
  
"What's wrong with the Professor?" asked Logan, finally able to breathe clearly now that Jean stopped dropping ass everywhere, "He seems distraught for some reason."  
  
The Cabbage Patch Head was screaming in his slumbers for someone to help him. His waved his arms around frantically, speaking incoherently.  
  
"Blah, ass! Ass! Stinky! Cliff! Well! Help Logan! It's green cloud o' ass! Lucky charms! Shiny! My hair! It's falling out! I.I can't feel my legs! Or ass! Speaking of ass, I smell ass! Jean! It can only be that stinky bitch!"  
  
"Uh." Kelly said, looking at the retarded form of the bald man writhing on the floor, "We better get going."  
  
"Yeah," added Jenny, "We have to get of the goddamn mutha fucking ground sometime!"  
  
-end part 16 


	17. Chapter 17

Part 17  
  
As if on cue, the jet took off at the speed of 'oh my gay!' Jenny, Kelly, and the rest of the crew slid on the floor and were thrown against the back of the jet.  
  
"Arrroooooooo!" Jean howled in pain. Logan looked down and quickly snatched his hand away from the squig-tastic manhood he had been squashing.  
  
Ass-Eye the Fourth looked up in anger, "No one touches my girl's man parts but me!"  
  
"Believe me shithead, I didn't enjoy a second of it. I will pay for her to get that removed. It's disgusting!" cried Logan, avoiding Loin-eye's mono glare.  
  
Jean put her head down in shame, but Cloppy put a reassuring arm around her furry neck, "Don't listen to him Jean. I love your shlong. It really brings out the best in you when you wear your sexy bikini."  
  
"Oh Scott!"  
  
"Jean!"  
  
"Scott!"  
  
"Jean!!"  
  
"Enough!" cried Jenny, pushing bodies off of her, "I can't stand to see her being lied to!"  
  
"Jenny?" Kelly blinked in surprise, "I thought you hated the mongrel tramp. What's the big idea? We're supposed to be a team!"  
  
"Shaddup Kell. I do hate her! I just want to tell it like it is. It's not right for Cy-gay over there to make her think she's something she's not," Jenny explained. She turned to Jean, "Jean, you look like something that hasn't totally evolved yet. There is nothing feminine or woman-like about you. You have a beard. Man hands. A penis. You're proud of your 'man': a one-eyed pansy of a gay that digs cocks. Now tell me, shouldn't you be keeping that head down? I have a tower back in Milwaukee that I, and no doubt millions of others that have been blinded by your total foogglyess and lack of breasts, will be happy to see you reside in for life. You make paint chip hun."  
  
Jean burst into tears and wailed like some old bag lady that dented her only shopping cart. "Sc---o---o--------oh----t! It just can't be true!" She looked down, a frown on her face, "Oh crap, it IS true!"  
  
"I know Jean, that's what I love about you...your total disregard of fresh panties."  
  
Before she could wail some more, the jet suddenly plummeted nose first. The Prof groggily opened his eyes. "Wha...O my God! We're headed right for that sasquach! O, sorry Jean. Put your head down! I meant ...O my God! We're headed right for that giant green statue of a lady holding a torch!"  
  
"Um ...the Statue of Liberty?" supplied Kelly.  
  
But the Prof didn't hear her sarcastic comment. He crawled forward like some brave, shot-up soldier in Vietnam, his numb legs flapping dramatically behind him, maiming 5 audience members in the process. Suddenly M*A*S*H music filled the jet, following the Prof's courageous lack of walking ability. He reached for the jet's joystick and tugged down with an anguished midget-like squeak. The jet missed the giant statue by a hair, and it veered upwards, barely missing a random disembodied testicle.  
  
The jet headed towards a bridge in the distance, and spotlights and fireworks could be seen around the Statue of Liberty. Magayto was close. So close you could smell the blatant odor of homosexuality that permeated the air around him.  
  
Scott took the controls, trying to look like he could actually be a leader, "Alright, there's the bridge. I'm taking us in. Storm? Some cover please." He turned his head and grinned for no reason.  
  
"Damn tard," muttered Logan.  
  
Storm pushed herself off the floor with a groan. She waddled her way to where Scott was being gay, breathing like there was an air shortage, "*belch* You got it." Jenny and Kelly looked on in total shock as Storm's eyes began to turn white.  
  
Scott shrank back in horror, "What that hell is wrong with her! Look at her eyes!!"  
  
The Prof, now back in his wheels, turned to see what the gay panic was about, "What is it Scott...What in the holy name of Rogaine is wrong with you Storm?! It's a mutant! Burn her! Burn her!"  
  
Cy-Man-of-Gay was about to light her on fire when Logan jumped in, lookin' sexy and full of sperm. "Now wait a minute you basket of fruit. We're all mutants! You have that lame ass eyeball trick, the Prof is bald and has a Hover-Round, and Jean is actually Harold Ramis in disguise! I thought your school taught everyone that diversity was the best choice and tha humans and freaks could live in peace together."  
  
Scott Guard put down the flaming stick and lowered his eye in disgrace. Before he could utter another word, Logan beat the snot out of him. It was o so amusing.  
  
"Woo! Go sexyman! Shake that ass!" cried Kelly, waving a mini Logan flag.  
  
Jenny meanwhile, took the controls and landed the jet perfectly without a bump.  
  
A random guard popped up and said, "Looks like a Storm is coming!" and then walked away. Everyone laughed at the delayed joke.  
  
Logan took the lead and began to walk towards the Statue's museum of carpet samples, the Prof's un-oiled wheels squeaking in sync with his every footstep...  
  
Suddenly, Kelly grabbed the Prof's wheelie-dealie and sprayed some wd-40 on that shit.  
  
"Sorry, but that shit was annoying. You know, if you oiled those wheels half as much as you shine your damn snoglobe, you prolly wouldn't have that problem," she said.  
  
The X-people walked through the building slowly. They walked through a metal detector and just as Logan went through it started buzzing all irritatingly. So Logan stabbed the fuck out of it.  
  
"Nice goin', ass," Asshole-eye said. Logan only flipped him off with his claws. Since Dorkwad didn't know what that meant, he smiled all retardedly.  
  
"What an idiot," Jenny said, then ran smack into Logan. "Ow, hey, man, your metal ass ain't cute to run into, you know? Why'd you stop for?"  
  
"Something smells..."  
  
Kelly waved a hand. "Pssssh. It's probably Jean. Does it smell like shit, ass, fish, feet, cornuts, fffttt, or week old sweat?"  
  
"Shh," Logan shushed.  
  
"Tsk. Ain't gotta get all snippy," Kelly said, shaking her head with mad attitude.  
  
They split up and looked for the source of the foul stench. Logan went around a corner, and came back. But suddenly, another Logan popped up behind him!  
  
"Wait!" both Logan's yelled at once, as Cyke took aim.  
  
"You know, if this shit wasn't so ungodly weird, I'd be happy to see two Logan's," said Jenny.  
  
Cyke's ol' retarded ass didn't know which Logan was real, so he didn't shoot anything. Not that his mono eye could see where he was shooting anyways.  
  
"Hey, Visor-man, shoot the one on the right! That's the one that smells like shit and piss! It's Mystique, and she obviously didn't take a damn bath after crapping all over Cereblo!" Jenny hollered.  
  
"Derrrr," said Scott, and a door closed on the two Logan's.  
  
"Man, you slow ass bastard," Kelly said, then got slapped by Toad's tongue as he suddenly appeared.  
  
"Oh hell naw," Jenny said, but just as she was about to lay the smack down on Toad, Scott got in her way.  
  
"Dammit, Suezo, move your monolithic ass!"  
  
Scott moved, but unfotunately it was because Toad kicked his ol' wimpy ass. He lay there like a slug. It was his only defense.  
  
Toad then turned on Jean. He jumped at her, but she held out a hand and stopped him in mid air.  
  
Jean looked happy that she had finally done something right and helped out the team. But Toad wasn't done. He hocked a loogie on Jean's face.  
  
"Hwagck tooey!" Toad said, and dropped like a rock after Jean let him go.  
  
Jean scrambled to her ape feet, trying to pry the nast-tastic goo from her already peeling, cruddy, bearded face. She tried to scream for Gillette, but the only thing that came was a few odd and sick sounding poots. *theeeeeep theeeep booooom wigga wigga ftttttt*  
  
Scott never got to his feet so quickly in his entire gay life. The smell was overwhelming. "I'm coming Jean!" he screeched, like a little gay man that was about to get bitch-slapped. As he ran towards the scary ass woman before him, Toad tripped his ass and he was thrown into a glass window.  
  
Jenny and Kelly stood by, their faces grim.  
  
"What the fuck kinda team is this? Pile of freakin' foogles up in this figgle!" cried Kelly, watching Jean writhe at her feet from lack of air and good looks. She kicked her dead in the face and then turned around, whistling and looking innocent.  
  
Suddenly, a blinding light filled the room along with the piney smell of Mr. Clean. Everyone stopped what he or she was doing and stared in awe at the bright light before them. Scott looked up, shielding his ever Seeing Eye with an overworked hand, "A-are you God?"  
  
"I am that is," said the voice in a mysterious and booming tone, "Moses! Moses!"  
  
"O my God!" screamed Storm, flying from absolutely nowhere, "Praise tha Lord!" She fanned herself with a pamphlet of hymns, trying to look like she had for once in all of her black life, actually been black. "Everyone, join in prayer with me."  
  
"Niggaplease!" said 'God', "Get your wanna be ghetto, fake African ass outta here! You were raised with a pile of stuck-up whities!"  
  
"Yeah," added Kelly, "Me and Jenny here got more soul than you'll ever have, and we're just crackers!"  
  
"Hey, wait a minute!" cried Scott, squinting, "God isn't in a wheelchair! And I'm pretty sure that God wouldn't be balding! What the hell!"  
  
The light slowly faded, and the entire room screamed, "BALD!" The old ass Professor stood.sat before them, the gleam leaving his Nair-tastic sphere.  
  
"I knew it wasn't God," snorted Jenny, trying to take off her "Go God!" t- shirt and angel wings inconspicuously, "God doesn't let bald people into Heaven, that would be like letting midgets live regular circus-free lives."  
  
"I'm sorry," the professor said, putting his head down and causing the crowd to whip some Blu-Blockers on, "I always wanted to be God. It's been a dream of mine ever since I invented Turtle Wax."  
  
"Hey! Can we get on with this?" came a muffled yell from the room Logan was trapped in with Logan 2, "Tell testicle man to shut his yapper!"  
  
"Testicle man." muttered the BaldGuy, "Why I outta.let Jean give you a BJ so you get an uncountable number of STD's."  
  
Suddenly Scott started to run, "Booby traps! Booby traps!"  
  
"What the hell is he talking about?" asked Jenny, scratching her head, "Booby traps?"  
  
"The Fertellies!!" he screamed again, like some sort of slack jawed moron, "We gotta get outta here!"  
  
Kelly was about to point out that Jean had long since suffocated, when a lady dressed in black and two men entered the room, with guns.  
  
We finally found you little brats!" the old bat snapped. She slapped one of her sons in the head, "Well? Go get him Francis! You moron!"  
  
"Dude! The Goonies!" cried Jenny, "Hey my clothes changed! I'm Mouth! Woo hoo!"  
  
Kelly reluctantly looked down at her Hawaiian shirt, "Goooodammit! I 'm Chunk!!"  
  
"Do the Truffle Shuffle!" yelled Jenny.  
  
Before Kelly could shake her shit, the floor dropped out from beneath everyone, and they started to slide down a waterslide.  
  
"Wooooo weeeeeeee!" Scott screamed, flapping his arms wildly.  
  
Meanwhile, Jenny and Kelly went down their own slide, having themselves a good old time. Something blue and stanky sloshed past them, leaving the water piss yellow and swimming with ass.  
  
"Piss water!!!" hollered Kelly, trying to use Jenny as a boogie board, "Don't let it touch me!!"  
  
Logan suddenly slammed into them. Jenny and Kelly wasted no time, and began to immediately fondle him with an ungodly vengeance.  
  
~end part 17 


	18. Chapter 18

"Bitches!" cried Logan, trying to pry the horny youths from his adamantium buns.

Suddenly Kelly was slapped dead in the face with one of Mystique's flopping, flapping, flipping, flepping, flupping breasts o'blue. "What the shit! The nipple touched my lip! Ewww, gross!"

"She gave you Nipplitis! We can't be friends anymore, Nipple Queen!" yelled Jenny, staring at the blue smear on Kelly's lips.

"C'mon, a little nipple never hurt anyone," said Logan, stroking his wood fiendishly, like he was trying to start a fire.

"Anyone up for custard?" Scott asked, peering over Logan's shoulder. "Whoa! Whatcha doin'! Nice wood, buddy!"

"Jean? Is that you?" Logan asked, a mischievous smile on his face. "You know what I like…"

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again," Kelly began, clearing her throat. "When did this shit become a porno!"

"Ever since Logan started screwing with his wooden soldier over here," Jenny supplied, her eyes glued to the scene before her.

"I say, what's going on in here?" asked a bald chap. "Logan! That's… disgust… remarkable! Science truly has no bounds!"

"Ain't got.. uhhhnnn… nothin' to do with science, Bub," Logan groaned, the veins in his neck straining with every friction-filled rub. "Man, this shit is not workin' properly. C'mon girls, help me out."

"Okay!" both girls said a little too enthusiastically.

"Hey, careful… not too… ughhhhhHHHHH…hard!"

"Something's happening!" cried Kelly, her nose down in it.

"Whoa, it's starting to smoke! You're rubbing too hard!" Jenny yelled, alarmed.

"It's sposed to smoke! Feels great! It's so warm and toasty… like your bed if I was in it," said Kelly, winking suggestively. "You know what I'm sayin'?"

"Quiet Kelly, I'm concentrating," moaned Logan breathlessly. "Man, my wrist is starting to get sore. I didn't know I could get Carpal Tunnel."

Scott pushed Jenny's head to the side to get a better view. "You're not doing it right! Here, let me help!"

"Get your goddamn hands offa my wood, son," Logan growled, ready to unleash the goodness within…his knuckles. "Now quit playing around, someone's gotta make this fire burn, and it's not gonna be me. Which one of you two wants to do the honors?"

Jenny looked at Kelly, and Kelly's foot looked at Jenny's shin. Real hard. "Auuuugh! Fuckermucker assholer picker! Mhy'd mu mick me!"

"What are you, Dutch now?" Kelly asked, watching Jenny writhe on the floor in Dutch agony.

"It's not going to be here forever, ya know!" Logan grabbed Scott's hands and placed them on his wood. "Now it's gonna be bouncing around a lot, but I need you to try and steady it as I give it a good, hard rub. Can you do that for me, disabled man?"

"No fair!" Kelly yelled, trying to lunge forward and grab the wood. She didn't get far because Jenny was chewing on her big toe.

"Rwar rwar rubble rubble rubble!" rubbled Jenny, like Hamburglar.

"It's happening!" screamed Logan, screwing his face up in ecstasy. "Oh yeah, that's the shit! Woooo boy! Right there Scott, just like that! Oh baby! Look at the white stuff pour forth in a mighty river of white!"

"Um… it's called 'smoke' Logan. And you're getting a little too excited about starting a fire with that Boyscout Handbook you found in Mystique's ass," said The Black Woman Formerly Known As Storm.

"So what's this brown stuff that was smeared all over the cover?" Logan asked, sniffing and poking at the book. "I thought it was Smores."

"Who's the disabled man now?" hayucked Disabled Man I.

"Shut up," grumbled Logan, who kicked the book right as his eye, where it stuck.

"That's fucking disgusting. Anyway, let's go shave Marie…I mean save," Kelly said.

"Shave and a haircut, two bits!" Jenny chirped. "But I think it's going to cost more than two bits for her hairy ass cooter."

"Ass and cooter? What, like a giant afrolanche in the danger room?" Kelly asked.

"Exactly."

* * *

"Jean! Jean, are you okay? I thought I'd lost you!" Scott cried as he paused in the mouth-to-snout resuscitation he was performing on the unconscious Jason Bateman.

"I had the weirdest dream," she barked, "You were there touching Logan's wood, and Storm was black, and Logan had magical wood that spouted something white, and the Professor was bald, and the two girls who are writing this story were there. We were going to shave Marie for two bits…Oh Scott, it was woodish!"

"Who's been talking about my wood?" Logan asked, joining the pathetic Blind Man and his Seeing Eye Hooker.

"I'll chop your wood for free, Logan!" Jenny said.

Logan cupped a hand protectively around his boys. "Ooooh. Aw shit, they've gone into hiding! Thanks a lot."

"Jenny has that effect on men. It's like magic. Poof! Disappearing testicles," Kelly explained, watching for a sighting of the elusive _Adamantium Testiculos._

"What happened to Mystique?" someone asked.

Suddenly there were two Logans, but one had his balls hanging out of his pants.

"Wait, wait, I don't know which one's real!" Man-we've-run-out-of-names-for said.

Visible Balls Logan said, "I'm real!"

Invisible Balls Logan said, "No, I'm real!"

"Jenny, go grab some nuts!" Kelly said, and pushed her forward.

Jenny clamped down on Visible Balls Logan, well, balls. He just smiled.

"He likes it, Mikey!" Jenny yelled happily.

"Okay, IBLogan, whip 'em out," Kelly said, standing in front of him with hand on hip.

"Hey c'mon, you know that a) I would never let Jenny grab me like that, and b) she made the twins join the witness protection program!"

Jenny pulled her hand away from VBLogan. "Why is my hand all goddamn blue? He gave me blue balls!"

"SICK!"

"Shut up, Nipple Lips. This is all your fault."

"My fault? Nipple Lips? Do we have to go back to Judge Judy's again? I will kick you in your teeth!"

"Bring it, bitch!"

Jenny and Kelly started to rumble. The Logans started to rumble, too. "I never thought I'd be afraid of my own junk, but damn, that thing's coming at me with the quickness!"

Scott slapped Jean in the face. "Why you so uhhhgly? Dayum."

IBLogan suddenly stabbed VBLogan right in the chestnuts. "EEEEEEEEEEEEE!" VBLogan eeee'd, melting back into dingleberry leaving Mystique.

"To the copper room! Away!"

End part...what is this, 18? Goddamn.


End file.
